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by jayque

Full-alert here, if you are going to try to bash me, insult me, or talk me out of this, please leave this thread. I am not asking for your judgement or opinions. You are not me, you have not lived my life, and so you have no right to decide what I should do with it Second warning, this is a very long post. Please bear with me.

Okay, after getting that point across, I was wondering the certain fatality doses for prescription medications. I am trying to garner as much information from people as possible, so if you know any other websites/forums where I won’t be bashed, please do tell.

Extremely long story short, 22 years old, been suffering from major depressive disorder since I was a little 8 year old girl. Also suffer from severe social and generalized anxiety. Medication barely takes the edge off of these, which is like trying to kill a bear with a Nerf gun.

To top that all off, I have a incurable lifelong chronic pain disorder that every medication I have tried has failed, and I am out of options. I don’t qualify for disability due to some bullshit about not having enough social security hours banked (even though I have been working since I was 14? Idk. ). I also suffer from extreme migraines, bad asthma, and chronic extraordinarily painful joint pain. I can’t walk, sit, lay down, or really do any of those without immense pain. Don’t even try to hug me, I will involuntarily yelp out. In spite of all of this, I look healthy on the outside, which leads to more assumptions and ableist remarks than you could imagine. I am relatively intelligent, but due to a combination of all of the things I listed above, I have barely enough college credits for a year and a half, and financially I have no way of getting back and finishing that.

Speaking of finances, I work in an extremely stressful job, while only part time, exacerbates everything I mentioned. I am extremely close to being evicted – there are no cheaper places around my area and I can’t move back in with family (or to friends, as I really don’t have any). My electricity was on the verge of being shut off a few weeks ago, and just recently my Internet was shut off for a week until I could scrounge up enough to pay half of the bill. I am also in enormous debt, collectors calling me every single day, calling my relatives, etc.

Anyway, as you could probably sumise from all of that, my best option in everyone’s interest is to take my own life. This isn’t a spur of the moment decision – I tried at 13 years old and at 19. When I was 13 I was a dumbass and just took like 12 extra strength Tylenol, though the intent was there. At 19 I took a handful of Savella, a handful of Tramadol, and some antihistamines to avoid throwing up. Unfortunately, I did throw up, and my college roommate found me and called 911 where my stomach was pumped and I was sent to Four Winds (a psychiatric institute in NYS) for a week and a half. My pain, emotionally and of course physically, is getting immensely worse every single day. I am prescribed a few prescription medications, but I can only get a month’s supply at once due to my insurance. I take Tramadol, 50mg (monthly count of 60), Wellbutrin, 300mg (monthly count of 30), Ambien, 5mg (monthly count of 60), and Klonopin, 1mg (monthly count of 90).

I also have an amount of some various pills, as I tend to hoard them when I am discontinued off of it. Why? I don’t know. Anyway, they are as follows: Seven 25mg Lyrica, twenty-four 20mg Citalopram HBR, twenty-seven 7.5mg Meloxicam, twenty-one 5mg Olanzapine, and one-hundred and eighteen 100mg Topamax.

I know that ODing in Klonopin is pretty much impossible, and I know that the opiate amount in 50mg of Tramadol is probably not enough to bring me to opiate overdose levels (plus the more you take at once you get seizures, and I don’t want to have such bad of a seizure that I end up mentally disabled yet still kicking). Wellbutrin I am pretty sure does diddly squat in this regard. I don’t really know about the various pills I have – I’m sure in the right combo that the Topamax *has* to help somewhat, just because the sheer amount. Obviously I could be very wrong, which I why I am asking for advice.

My best bet, I think, is my Ambien and then ingesting a lot of alcohol. However, I don’t know what to take to try to avoid throwing up, as taking Benadryl three years ago did shit. I also hate the taste of alcohol – I have trouble taking a single shot, so the risk of throwing up from that alone is high. How much alcohol would I need to consume with how much Ambien to reach fatal levels? (Not potential fatal, certain fatal). I’m a lightweight and fairly small – female, 5’2, 105 pounds. I figure that probably calculates in somehow.

I also have a small amount of suboxone in my possession, though small as in 2mg, and even less than that makes me puke pretty much every half hour. No tolerance, pretty much. I don’t think that can aid in suicide.

Anyway, I am asking for your advice because I could be wrong about certain drug mixtures, and I would also like to know fatal doses. Google really doesn’t help too much for this. I also want to know the best way to not throw up, as that just ruins it all. Motion/sea-sickness pills maybe? I am really looking for the least painful way – if I could just pass out that would be brilliant. Last warning, trolls will not be appreciated. Nor will “think of your family!” and “you have so much to live for” types of people. I am interested in the cold, hard, facts. I don’t have money, so I can’t exactly buy a gun, and I don’t think I have the sheer willpower to pull that trigger on the very off chance something goes wrong and I end up a vegetable. Jumping off a tall building/bridge wouldn’t work either. ODing has always been the most logical choice for me. Thank you so much for reading and listening to my woes, I know that can ensue eye-rolling. Lastly, if you feel guilty providing any information because you would feel responsible, I am absolving you of all responsibility and guilt. It is only a matter of time I find out some way, and I would prefer it to be an accurate source of information rather than me fucking up big time. Thanks again, and I hope life will be or has been good to you. It hasn’t to me, but everyone should be allowed to choose their own fate.

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13 comments

muspelhem 1/22/2014 - 7:09 pm

FFS, do you HAVE to post such a long heading?

You’re hogging almost an entire page of space. There are other people out there who want people to read their stuff you know.

There. I judged you.

muspelhem 1/22/2014 - 7:12 pm

Hm. Sorry. I guess maybe you did it by accident.

keief 1/22/2014 - 7:15 pm

Please edit your post… read it all but was really hard because of the heading.

Now onto what you wrote… you really took a lot of different medications, you have to consider tolerance and many other things, and i doubt anyone here will point you to the fatal dosages since the post would be deleted (they are easily findable on google tho)… my best tip would be to look for the peaceful pill handbook online, and i know you don’t want to hear it but you are still young… hope you don’t go through with it, or at least if you do find the info you need, use it as a failsafe until you have given life a bit more time

keief 1/22/2014 - 7:17 pm

Forgot to mention, you really cracked me up with the killing a bear with a nerf gun (i know it’s worth nothing but i had to mention it 🙂 )

jayque 1/22/2014 - 7:22 pm

??? When I look at the main page, my heading is about three paragraphs, give or take. Certainly not taking up the whole page – I can see many other headings easily. Maybe it is because I am on mobile? (Though this site doesn’t have a mobile version, so that wouldn’t make sense). Idk.

Eturion 1/22/2014 - 7:22 pm

You probably don’t appreciate my presence here.. and fair enough if you want to kick me in the face, but you seem a bit rash right now.

“I can’t walk, sit, lay down, or really do any of those without immense pain.” I don’t know your situation, but honestly, even if I wasn’t depressed, I’d probably want to kill myself if I couldn’t walk. I just think right now you seem very rash even though this has been going on a while..

If you want to kill yourself, who am I or who is anyone to stop you?

I think you just need to calm down a bit and do a bit more research, perhaps not on SP. Like you said you’ve been going through it for what, 16 years now? A few more days isn’t going to make that much more of a difference.. You don’t want to be rash when taking your own life, you want it to be well thought out and effective.

Personally I do not think prescription medication overdose is going to get you want you want, and may perhaps make your suffering even worse.

OnlyLOVEisReal 1/22/2014 - 7:28 pm

Dear jayque,

I am not writing to try and change your mind. I am writing to say if you need someone to talk to on your path to wherever you need to be,I an here.

The nerf gun analogy was damn good. I work with a guy that was just eaten by a bear up country while dropping a duec. I could see him now with his pants around his ankles nerf gun in hand. Haha. Canadian laws……

Elcyc 1/22/2014 - 7:31 pm

Except for the obvious ones, I don’t know many methods, so I can’t really help you with that. But after reading your story I just wanted to say that it made me feel sad and that I’m sorry for you. That probably doesn’t mean much to you or perhaps you didn’t even want to hear it, but I just wanted to express it. I wish there was some way to help you.

ps. Note that this place is about sharing your story. It’s not really meant for giving information about methods, I think. So you might want to try some other place for the methods.

zeldaxlover24 1/22/2014 - 8:31 pm

I say the easiest and least painful way is to take a tube and attatch it to your exhaust on your car and hose it up in through the window. It will cause you to just pass out and you’ll die without knowing it. That’s my suicide plan.

zeldaxlover24 1/22/2014 - 8:32 pm

I say the easiest and least painful way is to take a tube and attatch it to your exhaust on your car and hose it up in through the window. It will cause you to just pass out and you’ll die without knowing it. That’s my suicide plan. Just an idea.

The Distress 1/22/2014 - 9:25 pm

Jayque,
I know quite a bit about pharmaceuticals, so I can help you out on some of these meds. I know you’ve already experienced some rough med mixtures, but you should be aware of just how harsh some of the med combos you’re talking about can be. That being said, do you email? It could be better/easier that way for me to help.

jayque 1/22/2014 - 9:32 pm

Well I don’t intend on taking every single pill I have. – I’m just trying to find the right combo. Trying to take hundreds of pills wouldn’t be feasible at all, lol. I am also looking into sodium nitrite poisoning as an alternative, since it is easy to obtain and I would just need to put a few grams in a glass of water and down it. However I am worried about the time that elapses before I actually go unconscious.

Anyway, my email is the same as my username, @yahoo.com

The Distress 1/22/2014 - 10:01 pm

It would be very unpleasant….

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