A Change Plan Worksheet – Homework

So I got this worksheet thrust at me today (and she even compared it to school homework) about “my intended change.”  Hmm, somehow I think this is going to be harder than writing an analysis of some uncommon piece of Victorian literature.  And far less interesting.  Thing is, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do this on my own.  What else is new.

My intended change:  I told her pointlessness.  Also in the running were boredom and loneliness.

My main goals for myself in making this change:  Um… I don’t know.  To make life not suck?

I plan to do these things…

Other people could help me with change…

Possible obstacles…

I will know my plan is working when I see…

The obstacle part could turn into an essay.  One problem is that the obstacles seem insurmountable.  How do I explain what pointlessness means?  I feel there to be nothing at the end of whatever road I’ve been thrust upon by my past.

I have no base to compare to.  I don’t know what’s realistic and what’s the fantastical delusions of a child.  You see, I do not even know what it means to be happy.  What it feels like.  As far as I know, I’ve been an empty cipher my whole life (that’s what happens when life gets to you too early and nobody teaches you how to handle it).  I don’t know how to not be alone.  I don’t know what the endgame is supposed to be, let alone the next move.  There are no conditions for winning and I suck at chess anyway.

I could write better, that might be worth something.  But not in the present state.  And then it’s so much simpler to just put it to an end.  To reach the rest I deserve.  Not struggle up the waterfall that is fate and die before becoming a dragon.  I’m too tired already.

I realize I’ve said nothing at all.  Whenever I need to say something, I can’t find the words.  It’s like there’s this block in the neural circuitry that kills anything that originates and makes me forget.  How do you deal with pointlessness?  Your existence is pointless and it isn’t even enjoyable… you kill the time, but you don’t feel anything except maybe frustration at how inept you are at what you’re trying to do.  How you are so out in space that you can’t really communicate on a meaningful level and therefore cannot connect with others.  How, how?

How the hell am I going to answer these questions?