I think it’s quite sad that I have resorted to posting on a website like this.
It’s hard to put into words. I don’t know why I keep doing what I do. I wish I was normal. I wish I didn’t have the urge to cut myself everytime I get upset. I feel pathetic. Everytime I do it. I wish I could be normal. All this is so exhausting.
It’s exhausting pretending everyday that I’m okay. That I’m that perfect student, perfect daughter, perfect friend. It’s mentally exhausting.
My brother comes home from the Marines today. I really want to tell him my secret. I’m very afraid he’ll be disappointed. I really wish I could tell my older brothers my secret, but I just can’t.
Is there even anyone out there? Is anyone even reading this? Will anyone read this? Please…someone read this. Please just one person. Please God…just ONE person.
5 comments
I would tell your brothers ! Sit them down and explain what is happening in your life .
If you have nothing to lose than what’s the harm.
They won’t be disappointed. , they will be upset but hopefully they will be there to help you through this.
Do not suffer alone , it is a very dark place and extremely difficult to find a way out !
Yes, there is someone “out there”…and someone who can relate and sympathise with your situation…
I can relate… we need someone to know, to understand, to support us during our low phases. It feels like I am a failure, most of the time, and even though I know that … and even my doctor tells me so … it is just my mind misfiring, I can’t help it.
I had stopped burning my self with cigarettes years ago… don’t ask me how, maybe it’s just the medication (woefully inadequete as they are). Some days however, I miss it. I miss being able to “kill” the mental pain and anguish with self inflicted pain. I say “self inflicted” on purpose…God knows I have enough physical pain as it is, yet strangely enough, that doesn’t bring relief from the anguish like self inflicted pain does. Maybe in a way, it’s even us trying to “punish” our selves for being so “weak” (Which we are not, heck we are stronger than most due to the daily bombardment from our short-circuited brain).
It’s been a looong road for my family to become supportive of my condition… It’s hard for others to understand or even comprehend what we go through if they haven’t been through it themselves and it’s not just depression…physical pain as well. Even getting support for my chronic pain was not that simple…they had to realise just how real my problems were and not even hospital visits persuaded them, initially. When did it all turn around? I don’t know…could have been many things. Could have been the way I could predict changes in weather by my pain levels. Could have been them noticing the amount of anti-inflamatories and pain pills I was popping.
You can never predict how someone is going to react… If they react unfavorably, at least you tried but the upside is love, support and caring if they do react favorably. Do your self a favor and let people in. Open the dark closet so they can see that you need a candle to shine the way. If they don’t want to give you a candle, don’t fret about it…carry on as though nothing changed. They will soon revert to their usuall state, just give it time.
Be strong…take care…and keep sharing. It won’t fix you…but it will make it a little more beareable.
I read it. Of course, I understand the exhaustion of pretending to be perfect… it might be a good idea to drop that facade. Take a chance, tell someone. Since you seem to have someone, take advantage of that fact. Do what you want to do. And don’t consider being here sad. You might just find your way out.
You’re not alone
Several people have responded yet you haven’t said anything back. What do you want your brother to do?