Forever n always

I use to picture what it would be like if I had if I didnt have most of my problems. Would I be different? Yes. Would I feel better? Yes. Will it ever happen? No. I use to think it will get better one day. That was the first year when everything started. Now I have up wishing. I started getting bullied in 5th grade. It was just little things at first. “You’re ugly” “you’re fat” but as the years went by it started getting worse. Almost everyone in my grade was bullying me. The people who didn’t knew but they didn’t stop them. Everyone would throw stuff, push me, talk shit about me, spread rumors about me, one person even almost broke my arm. I stuck through it all, waited till I got home to cry. None of my family knew. I remember asking my mom in 7th grade if I could change schools. I was even crying. She said everybody was just messing around. I gave up asking for help then. Once I got in highschool it stopped. I even started making friends. I thought I was gettin better. I was wrong. All my “friends” ended up sharing my secrets to other people. They started turning against me. They broke my trust. See i wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m probably the nicest person you could meet. I don’t judge anyone, only by their actions. I always even put everyone before myself. I ended up just “wearing a mask” to hide my feelings. Everyone thinks I’m happy, even my family. But I’m not. That same year I was walking him and I ended up getting pulled in this guys car. He raped me. I felt so dirty like it was my fault. Since I felt that way I told my mom I had sex. I wanted to be blamed because I didn’t want my family thinking I’m some great kid. I wanted EVERYBODY to see me as a horrible kid because everyone made me feel that way in the first place…. My insecurity was horrible, I couldn’t trust anyone, I never felt happy.. It just all sucked. the next month I tried killing myself. I couldn’t even finish that correctly): I got sent to a psychiatric hospital for about 2 weeks. The starting of school in October I started feeling really paranoid, my moods were out of control, I started seeing and hearing things that weren’t there and many other things. My psychiatrist and therapist I’ve been having for awhile, in December they diagnosed me not bipolar but paranoid schizophrenic. It was one of the worst days of my life.. I got pulled out of school for awhile. I barely tried to start school again last week. Once again everyone ignored me or laughed at me. On Wednesday I wanted to try committing suicide again. I was going to but my mom just got home and I knew she was going to come check up on me. So I couldn’t.. I had no time. The next day I went to school. I ended up having a panic attack and crying loud in 1st period. I got sent to my counselor and I told her every thing. She called my parents and they took me home after a while. My dad has always been verbally abusive to me but I finally got scared for once. He started yelling one inch from my face(even spitting) an he called me an attention whore and a manipulated *****. I ended up telling him I hate him and in my eyes he’s not my father. Yesterday he moved out… I feel worthless, guilty for living cause all I do is make things wrong. I just want to die. Nobody would miss me. I have no one. All I do is sit in my room all day. Just listening to music. That’s all I can do. I just give up. I don’t know what to do anymore.