My social isolation has increased since I entered my thirties two years ago. I have been single for some time. My friends have all settled into marriage and are now beginning the project of making babies. As they develop, I’m left behind. The more I stagnate, the more they pity me. The more they pity me, the less inclined they are to spend what little spare time they have with me. Exchanges become awkward. The result is that I’m not stagnating, I’m regressing. My alienation from others is cresting into hatred. I was raised and still live in NYC, where extreme privilege is now always on dramatic display. The people that have come to live in my neighborhood are almost universally attractive and seem to enjoy all the privileges that follow effortlessly from that trait. They seem to smugly congratulate themselves for the inherited qualities–beauty in particular–that account for much of their social and therefore professional success. Their self-congratulation shows up in the contempt they show for average, or below-average looking people like me. I am short. Women ignore me. When forced to engage–for example when someone introduces us–their eyes narrow or they look on me with embarrassed amusement. This is not imagined paranoia. I’ve lived elsewhere: Boston and Chicago. This rarely, if ever, happened there. I am beginning to dislike and resent women. My experience shatters the myth that women are much more forgiving of physical “defects” than men; that they are more responsive to non-physical traits like intelligence, education, humor, or personality. At 5’7″ the trait I’m most noticeably lacking is height. I’m educated and, when not crushed by depression, I make people laugh. Process of elimination together with the fact that taller friends with less charisma succeed easily with women who barely consent to engage with me in conversation, lead me to the conclusion that interest in other traits is just a pretense. It’s almost as if my body makes them feel uncomfortable; as if I’m deformed. None of this has prevented me, until lately, from proactively pursuing a girlfriend. I’ve relied mostly on online dating sites. In profiles on the site, women consistently state an interest in the same set of qualities. I write them brief notes exhibiting these qualities. The vast majority, including those who seem to have a similar market-value as me, ignore me. Those that do respond seem invariably to punish me for being “too nice”. All of this is contributing to a perception of women as entitled, ruthless, confused beings with contradictory desires. I must be kind but aloof. Ambitious but not take life or myself “too seriously”. I’m punished if I display certain emotions but also if I’m emotionally inaccessible. I can’t help but think that these variables wouldn’t matter much if only I were 3″ taller. These ways in which women oppress men are under-appreciated and if I express them to friends or family, in an effort to alleviate my angst, they suggest that I’m being misogynistic. I am so lonely and because my loneliness seems to come from my physical “defect” I’ve lost a lot of incentive to develop myself or pursue previous interests. After all, the source of loneliness cannot be eliminated. Even with this incentive intact, I would not be able to develop myself because of the distraction created by the constant compulsion to somehow destroy my loneliness. I sacrificed my college years to hard work to gain admission to a PhD program. I’m now dropping out after struggling fecklessly against severe depression and epilepsy for three years. I feel cast out by humanity and saddened by the inborn prejudices that condemn me and which make our species morally repugnant. I am becoming wretched. Â I have revenge fantasies in which I kill myself as a message of revolt against humanity. (These never involve violence towards others). In reality, I wouldn’t be missed. Friends and family might experience a pang of guilt for feeling reluctantly relieved by the elimination of the burden I impose. Obviously, I am narcissistic and self-pitying. I see this but, at the same time, my challenges are very real, I’ve been struggling against them for some time, and my situation seems legitimately hopeless. I am so saddened and disappointed in human beings. I am so lonely. I do not feel that I can survive much longer. This is not a biologically driven illness, it is due to circumstances which are in fact hopeless and which relegate me to unending loneliness, inactivity, and decline. I do not feel I can survive much longer.
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Also grew up and live in NYC, though not in an affluent neighborhood. I live in a shitty one. I sorta have a defect as well. I’m not short, but I am black. I really hate the culture and stigma that is associated with my race. I’ve never had a girlfriend, at 20 years old. These two things, along with my general pessimistic view of the world are definitely some of the main reasons why I want to end it all. If there’s any consolation you take away from this post just know that you’re not alone.
Thank you Time’s Scar. My neighborhood wasn’t always “nice” but it was never East NY either. Race is a factor in success, of course. I am not black but I am not norther European either. I’ve been told by strangers more than once that I look like Vin Diesel, who I think is Black and Italian. One drunkard called me a “shitty Vin Diesel”; a girl once called me a “poor man’s” Vin Diesel. (Both actually made me laugh). Many people think I’m Hispanic. The point is, I don’t know first-hand the arbitrary, unjust disadvantage of being black but I have an inkling. Here’s where we probably have the most common ground: whatever other obvious advantages we do have–even those that are supposedly held in high esteem by society–we are still ostracized or shunned by others. This is devastating for the reasons I state in my post. It also highlights the hypocrisy of society, which just encourages alienation from and resentment towards the species. I do think there’s hope that racial prejudice will eventually be eliminated from society. A lot of progress has been made over the last 60 years. Unfortunately, it is definitely still in play. I am less optimistic that attractiveness will ever be eliminated from our set of prejudices. I think it is biologically ingrained and I find it difficult to give very unattractive depressed people an encouraging argument. Incidentally, I see black men with attractive girlfriends all the time. My best colleague is Haitian and as black as any man (he grew up, mostly, in Flatbush). He’s now married to an attractive woman but he has always been a lady-killer.
First of all, know that you’re not alone in your feelings, even if the circumstances thst generate those feelings differ in each case.
Seond, and I say this in a serious vain, have you considered doing a kind of experiment: advertise yourself as three inches taller, and buy yourself three inch lifts for your shoes. If you can maintain a dispassionate attitude (difficult, I admit), then you can see whether your hypothesis is correct.
For, the record, your height is not excessively short at all, although I admit that people seem to be getting taller (it’s probably an endocrine related issue, having to do with all the endocrine-disruptive chemicals in the environment).
Thank you, Duderino. I haven’t personally conducted this experiment but sociologists have: height confers socioeconomic and psycho-social advantages. The vast majority of CEOs are 6 feet or taller. Tall people are more likely to be married etc. Conversely, there was a Swedish prospective study that showed being under 5’9″ as a suicide risk. I don’t need to become a CEO. I do need basic companionship.
Dear YellowRibbon,
Would you even want to pursue a relationship of meaning with anyone who would judge on weight, height, what you drive and so on….? Do diligence in regards to schooling, Having a better half is not always peaches and cream. To address the beautiful people you speak of, my friend they carry their own burdens and they are not immune from suicidal thoughts either. They are constantly worried about being replaced by a newer, prettier, richer model. They worry about losing jobs and the “empires” they have created. YellowRibbon, we all have crosses to carry. most of the time self inflicted burdens. No one reason is better or worse than another.
And of course, if we’re actually being honest with ourselves, (a) not all burdens are equal. That’s an obvious and actually insulting absurdity. (b) we all judge on physical characteristics and if you actually read my posting with *due* diligence, you’d know that I don’t deny attending to these variables when considering a prospective companion myself. I was bemoaning moral defects inherent in our nature that deny some individuals love and companionship, which is a basic human necessity unless, as someone else on this forum put it, you’re a sociopath or severely autistic. A person who worries that he might eventually lose the arbitrary extreme privilege he enjoys doesn’t deserve the same degree of empathy as someone who’s become, say a paraplegic but that’s what you absurdly suggest. I’ve been in one very bad relationship before so I know they’re not all necessarily “peaches and cream”. Not only is your reply vaguely hostile, it’s also disingenuous, and not particularly helpful. Thanks anyway.
YelloRibbion i will try my best to assist you in carrying your burden until you want to discard it. I try never to judge, but humanity gets the best of me. However the non-jugdemental state of mind is attained with less and less effort almost everyday
All burdens are equal in the fact that they can blind us to those around us. Some people it is money, some it looks, some it relationships. If it causes pain to a person, does it really matter what the level of the pain is? Or should Care of the injured person be what is important. I don’t care if you are depressed because you lost your money or you killed off half the world. The reason is only relevant because one would need to address the underlying problem before healing can take place.
Everyone deserves empathy, love, compassion. Equally and totally. Unconditionally..