Hello Cruel World

I’ve got a dark little secret.

Something that covers me with its cloak of black midnight everywhere I go.

It weighs me down with its millions of pounds.

It soaks my face with salty droplets from the vessels of sadness in my heart.

Okay… Its not a little secret. Its a big secret.

Hello Cruel World.

In 4th grade I had no friends. I used to be the most popular girl in my elementary school. I had the biggest friend group, the first spot in line, the best lunch table. I know, I know. Public school for ya. By 4th grade people started to notice I was a little different. I was unique… my mother would say. I was weird and dysfunctional… I thought because of how other kids treated me. I was smarter than the other kids and I often would attend 5th grade classes while I was in 4th grade. That made me different. I eventually lost all my friends, I walked recess by myself, I sat in the back of every class, I cried every day in the car on my way home after school, I was bullied every day, called any and every horrible name you could think of, sometimes kids would steal my work and rip it up or through it away, one of my old best friends studied my hand writing and wrote a list of insults towards people in my grade (in my hand writing) and signed it from me then sent it out to the whole school except for me making it look like I had sent it out, horrible rumors would be started about me, and then it eventually came to the point where I would be physically beat up by other kids. Not only was I being abused by other kids in my grade, my aunt started to abuse me. She would “babysit” me and while I was with her she would physically abuse me and beat me up. I bruise really easily now because of the harsh exposure as a child. Anyways later that year my aunt died, I was so extremely happy, and I know that sounds terrible to be happy for the death of a family member, however; I was so extremely happy that my abuse from her was over. I know I should of spoken up, but once I became a “battered” child I felt powerless and weak. I felt like I had no place in this world and no one would ever believe me anyway. By 5th grade I was suicidal. First attempt. Sadly failed.

Middle school. Since I had no friends towards the end of elementary school talking to people and making friends was so difficult for me. Boys would make fun of me because I was shy, quiet, and ugly. However, when I did speak up for like presentations or to ask a question they would harshly criticize me. I was stuck. Don’t speak = bullied. Speak = bullied. No hope for me folks. I went all of middle school without friends and living in the constant echoes of the harsh words and labels from bullies. After being called all these horrible things for a majority of my life I started to believe them. I didn’t love myself and I surely didn’t compliment myself so I believed I was what people labeled me as. 2 more suicide attempts. Sadly failed both.

High school. I made friends. Oh my gosh. Friends? What? They are my family. Yet my suffering continued in high school. I would get texts from random numbers bullying me and telling me to kill myself, and it was scary because it was multiple different anonymous numbers. I was being attacked. I eventually tried to give the numbers what they wanted. 4th suicide attempt. Failure again. I am not strong enough to go all the way through it. I get so close then I am weak. I got a boyfriend. I was naïve and stupid and thought he was all I had because he was the first person besides my parents to tell me “I love you.” Those 3 words gave him all the power in the world. He began to abuse me and cyber bully me through twitter. I felt weaker and more powerless than I ever had. I faked happiness for my friends and I used tons and tons of makeup to cover my bruises and scars. I started cutting. I started stabbing my face to fulfill the bullies’ label of ugly. So much blood. Red was all I knew. I eventually gathered the strength to break up with him. He haunted me after though. He never stopped cyber bullying until I reported him to the school. Later that year I dated a few more times and every time my new boyfriend would cheat on me. 5 guys cheated on me. I eventually stopped dating. Those guys spread rumors about me that I was a slut, a whore, and I did awful things. My label was what others had said about me. Its new years now. I was raped. I became pregnant. I got an abortion. Being raped was almost even far worse than the experiences I had with being physically abused. Getting an abortion was awful for me because I strongly strongly hate abortions, yet it was my only option. Still cutting. Still suicidal. I cant concentrate in school now. My used to be straight A’s are now F’s. My mind is attacking me every day filling it with thoughts of death and suicide. I am a victim to my own mind. I let others determine my self worth. 5th suicide attempt. Success? I don’t know. Legally my heart stopped, yet I made it too the hospital in time and I survived. Death… if that even was what that was… was numb, black, nothingness.

After that experience, my school was notified. I was not allowed to return to school until I was seen by a physiatrist. I have a physiatrist, a therapist, I am on two medications, my parents and teachers are very supportive, and I now have a support group with kids who are like me. I hope life turns out alright. I hope I can overcome this.

If anyone wants to talk feel free to email me: ksnowfox12@yahoo.com

(don’t judge the email haha this is my middle school email, it was the name of my first horse)