I fell asleep alone, but slept with you beside me.

Every night I fall asleep thinking of what it is I wish I could have the most, at one point in time I wanted to be happy. And then I found happiness, I found myself falling in love with someone so completely imperfect. I knew that what it was that was between him and I wasn’t a reality because at the end of the day he fell asleep next to my sister, except on the many occasions that he fell asleep on the couch with me beside him. But in the end he was beside her, she got to call him “my boyfriend” I got to call him by his name. The constant cycle of being happy and being physically ill because I was seeing someone else love him was breaking me down. The emotional roller coaster we had gotten ourselves into was only going to end in one way. Disaster. There was no other end in sight. I broke down and I messed up really badly but I loved and I ached and I hoped that maybe he wouldn’t leave me alone to pick up the pieces of my own heart. But he did. I was all alone with nothing at all to do except cry for the fact that I felt so easy to forget about. I felt like such a complete fuck up that no one could ever truly love me and stick around.

I hoped maybe something would change that after being gone for a week he would text me or call me and tell me what it is that he feels. But no, nothing at all was I given. He gave me a hope that I never felt before that I was worth something more that just a placemat, He made me feel like there was something that could come from the way we felt for each other.

But now I sit alone and wonder if he ever truly cared for me the way I wish he would. I fall asleep thinking about him. I sleep and in my dreams he is always there. Next to me, and I am happy. Most nights I wake up and he is beside me in my tiny dorm room bed fast asleep and as I look at him and take everything in wanting nothing more than to spend forever by his side, I wake up. Alone and tired of not having what it is I want.

I self harm because I feel like I am nothing. I cut myself to prove that just like everyone else I can bleed too. That when something hurts me I feel the same pain as anyone else. But never before did I know that this was the pain of heartbreak. That I would feel both heavy and hollow all at the same time. That the only time I would feel alive is if I forgot about the heartache through a distraction like working. That when I did think of him,  I would smile and cry about the good, and feel as though my body was being ripped apart when I thought of the bad. And there wasn’t much bad, just this part. Where I am here in my dorm room wishing he was by my side, and knowing that I will never see him again. I know it, because no matter how much I wish for it, he won’t show up outside my building waiting for me to walk up to him so he can tell me he misses me. Because those I want and miss the most I will never have back.

So how do I deal with the pain of heart ache? How do I not continuously fall apart? What do I do when I can’t handle the pain in my chest and the ache in my stomach?