so I found this website and it hopes of finding people that will understand me.. So I’m assuming this is my place..
to be honest, I don’t know what’s getting into me . I feel like a monster. I made my mother cry after she found out I self harm, and now that I stop self harming, me and my boyfriend have been getting into countless fights… My mom still puts me down. She calls me whore, slut, only because I’ve kissed one guy. She beats me for no reason too. It doesn’t stop and I know it won’t. I feel so useless and I feel like a horrible person because the fights between me and my boyfriend is my fault and I usually admit it… I just feel so completely empty. I wanna cut again. I feel so empty. Its been going on for over 6 years and I can’t take this anymore with my mom… Help..
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You are not a monster, Babyscars — you cut because you are in such pain. I do understand that from personal experience. And I believe anger and disagreements often grow directly out of pain, too… please be forgiving toward yourself for these things! Your mother is clearly terribly abusive. And while I’d suspect it’s her own wounds and illness behind that behavior, that doesn’t make it any easier for you to endure. You’ve been traveling a hard, hard road, and I admire you for hanging in there, and also for reaching out for help. I’m not surprised you feel empty after six years of these trials. You have been brave.
I wish it were clear how to help. I don’t know how, but I can let you know from a vantage point further down the road that things can change completely even when it looks like that’s impossible. A few years back, I felt as if I’d been turned upside down and drained of everything, like I had nothing left to pull out of myself. End of the road. It wasn’t, though. It feels a long time ago now, and I feel like a different creature. Still wrestle sorrow sometimes, for sure, but now it feels as if there were something to fight for.
I had to get away from some abuse, too — a poisonous situation keeps poisoning. It does make you feel terrible about yourself. But *you are not to blame.* You are only human, as they say, and you are not responsible for your mother’s condition, whatever that condition may be. You need relief from that abuse, and what I hope is that you can find a supportive friend or ally, and maybe (and I know this can sound awful, but again I speak from my own experience) a counselor who feels right to you… or… well, I don’t know, but someone who can be really there within reach who can help build your feeling about yourself up again.
Who will remind you that you have been brave, and that nobody can be bullied and beaten and hurt over and over without starting to feel bad about themselves. It’s not who you are — it’s how circumstances have made you feel.
To me you sound like a good and feeling person who has been worn down by a terrible lot of misery. Please keep reaching out. Keep reminding yourself that you are more than the current pain. You are.
A goodnight, and good thoughts to you. There is hope beyond this night. Truly.