Losing Lives living

I have struggled with addiction,depression,low self esteem,family issues,loss,grief etc for the better part of my life.I have attempted to take my life a few times,most times not truly wanting to die,was more of a cry for help.A year or so ago my best friend commited suicide,it was a very hard thing to deal with,it hurt very much.I always think of the way that he did it,i think that is how i want to go as well.Last year on x mas eve,i received some news that was rather bothersome to me,it hurt me deeply.I turned to alcohol,for the most part ive been clean for 10 years,the last few have been a struggle.That lonely x mas eve i went out to my old garage where i store my 66 t bird.Being an old car it produces high amounts of c o2,i started it up,let it run,i stood there,drank my beer,i knew that night that i wanted it to overcome me,to hopefully kill me.I left the garage awhile later,knowing that i was very close to unconciousness.Today i sit here and want to do it,i struggle with life,it seems as though it is a never ending fight.It seems like i have so many issues theres no point,I have reached out today,hence why im still here.I hope somehow ,some way this may help someone.If it helps one person then maybe i just found a reason to live.Its a scary world when one suffers with this,the constant dreams and thoughts are a living nightmare.Thanks for allowing me to share