i hate this instinct to survive. Â My intellectual self wants to die, my emotional self wants to die. Â Why do I continue? Â Why? Â I know I would be better off dead. Â How wonderful that peace must be. Â I go to sleep at nite thinking please give me a good dream and don’t let me wake again
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“Please give me a good dream and don’t let me wake again.” I like it! Sign me up for that plan. You’re right about the survival instinct. We can’t simply will ourselves to die. Our biology betrays us. And the law refuses us. And medicine and our communities stigmatize us. So the ugly years stretch on and on.
I won’t soon forget your imagery, though…
We carry on for that glimmer of hope that one day things will get better. I pray they do for you, I know they won’t for me.
But death is not like sleep; you will not dream, you will not be in a comfortable cocoon, you will cease to think. You will literally be unable to appreciate the peace that comes to you.
There is an answer for you somewhere, there is an answer for all of us, the most difficult thing is that the answer is rarely even remotely easy to find.
Having said that, I understand waking and cursing your body for having betrayed your wishes to die in your sleep, I’ve been there.