I’ve experimented with a lot of substances in my life. Over the course of probably like 7ish years I’ve tried Psychedelics (LSD, 2CE, DMT – my FAVORITE DRUG), Cocaine, Benzodiazepines (Klonopin, Valium, Xanax, Restoril, Ativan), Stimulants (Amphetamines, Adderall, Focalin, Methylphenidate, Vyvanse), marijuana, alcohol, and the best of the best: opiates (OxyContin, heroin, hydrocoone, oxycodone, oxymorphone, hydromorphone, morphine, methadone, suboxone, subutex, etc.) – you get the point. For the most part I’ve been responsible with drug usage. Things never got out of hand and addiction was a foreign concept to me. But when shit hit the fan a few years ago, I lost all responsibility and control. Drugs in combination with mental issues drove me to the point of suicidal tendencies and being prone to reckless, spontaneous behavior. I’m still a complete wreck, but I’m slowly on the rebound from this huge mess I’ve created. Hopelessness is a hard thing to battle. Maybe the following story will help some people in similar situations realize drugs aren’t an easy way out. Maybe it will help others stay away from drugs. The beautiful, wonderful bliss drugs may give is only temporary at best: it will not last forever.
On a day not too long ago I found myself with a half gram of decent heroin. Usually I would split my heroin (we’ll refer to as H) amount into smaller segments for injection, but for whatever reason this time I did not. I guess maybe a part of me was finally ready to travel into the unkown and see what happens: I had never shot anywhere near that much, maybe this was my time to commit suicide. So I prepped all of the H into a single syringe so I could get it all in my vein in one shot. The syringe was almost completely full. I tied the tourniquet, wiped down the injection site, and made a direct hit. Blood shot into the syringe and BAM, it was go time. I pushed it all in, getting a clean hit. And man did it rock my world. At first I was overcome with the usual glorious euphoria as I took the tourniquet off my arm. But not seconds later I felt a rush that was foreign to me: it was not a good rush, it was a supremely heavy rush that overtook my body and my mind and I was left completely powerless. I started experiencing bits of ego loss and was thrown into the harshest of dark voids. I cried. I freaked. I panicked. Everything started to go slow, my body was slowing down, my heart was slowing down- but my mind was still racing. I went into full panic crisis mode as I stumbled to my computer to try to put on chill music to soothe my soul, but serentiy and calmness were luxuries I could not have. All feelings started intensifying. Lines fell off the walls, I was crying to myself, “it’s OK, you’re gonna be fine, it’s OK…” But it wasn’t. Something felt awry here, I thought I should attempt writing a letter…..I tried to get up…and move….but….it…was …sl..o.w.must…write..letter…Dear Fam…I..L.O…V…and..I cou..ldn..’t.. br..ea..the…
And then nothing.
About 20-40 minutes later I awoke face down on the floor of my room. I didn’t know what happened, I still don’t. When I got up I noticed I had bruises and my face was sore and hurting. What happened? Did I overdose? Why am I sore? These questions continued to plague me all that day. I maintained an intense opiate high all that day and a little bit into the next day, constantly nodding out with lots of nausea while completely inert and motionless on the couch. I was paralyzed from my opiate coma…This experience was one of the scariest I’ve had. Words will never do justice to the intense mind numbing, consciousness failing, ego-losing, body dropping drug bomb I went through. I never want to experience melting my mind away or seeing the world turn to foreign darkness that way again. It was like total body shut down with utter powerlessness and nothing but fear and anxiety as you watch your being expire away right in front of you. It was beyond what I thought fear could be like, and I felt every bit of it….and could do nothing but plead and shed tears. Death by drugs isn’t so glorious. The beautiful, wonderful bliss drugs may give is only temporary at best: it will not last forever.
5 comments
So, i had this huge comment written, and ended up not submitting it.
I’ll just say… i feel like i get it; your writing is good enough that i feel like i was there. And it’s pretty much exactly how i would have expected it to be.
Clevername,
You intrigue me, your writing style in your posts/comments has always interested me. I’d be interested in reading what your original comment was. Do you email?
Thanks. I do email, and you’re welcome to contact me if you’d like (check the dashboard, in case you hadn’t already figured it out). Unfortunately, i was not able to retrieve the non-submitted comment via my back button, so i would have to try to reconstruct it. And i suppose i should warn you that i doubt i’ll “live up to” any intrigue my comments may have generated.
Haha, we’ll see.
that’s a shame as opiates is my way off this planet. horrible to hear it was scary for you. I have heard of many people od on heroin and be revived and they don’t remember anything after injecting. maybe you were the unlucky one. I sure hope it’s peaceful and quick for me. either way at least when I’m dead I’ll forget the scary experience quickly even if it is scary – though I really hope it isn’t. then again death is probably scary for many – people who die naturally too.