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The lucky ones.

by johnwhogivesashit

My friend Sean died from an overdose 2 years ago. He was depressed. He would pop methadone leftover from his dads surgeries/cancer. I came over once and had some weed. He said I’ll give you some pills if you pack a bowl. I said sure. He gave me 10 pills for 5 bucks worth of weed. The pills he gave me go for 10 easy on the street which I found out after he died. I said are you sure? “Yeah yeah I got plenty he says. ” He gave me so many because that was his usual dose. He was popping 6 at a time blacking out and taking more. He overdosed once and went to the hospital after like 15 pills… I tried to get him to cut down… Just 1 pill and I was loaded. I would take half or a quarter of pill and be feeling damn nice. I don’t know if he killed himself or just accidentaly did it. He was over with a couple people playing Xbox about a week before he died and he was passing out in the chair cause he was so high. The real sad part is that when he died I found out when I tried to call him. His mom answered. My first thought was that he was one of the lucky ones. He died in his sleep. Lucky ??? It really hit me then how far my world view had sunk. I was and am suIcidal. I miss sean. Do I think he killed himself? I lean toward yes but he didn’t leave any notes. I felt not like he was in a better place. More like releaved that he wasn’t suffering anymore. It could have been an accident. I’ll never know. The good die young. I was and still am jealous of his death. I just want to die. Sean might have been the only true friend I’ve ever known. He was never selfish

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The Distress 1/16/2014 - 9:24 pm

Overdosing on opiates is not lucky in any sense of the word. It certainly isn’t something to be jealous of either.

i.Am.DeAd 1/16/2014 - 9:33 pm

im right there with you i want to go so much

clevername 1/16/2014 - 9:45 pm

we will all die, someday, somehow.

Dying high and unconscious, seems like it’s toward the top of the scale of least-bad ways to go.

But OTOH, being profoundly depressed for a long time and then dying… seems like a shitty way to go out, even if the method of expiration is the least-bad.

Some people die at the hands of a violent stranger. Some people die of grievous injuries suffered in a collision with a drunk driver. Some people die very, very slowly, from various horrible diseases.

I’d have to think “high and asleep” counts as “lucky.” Some people aren’t so lucky.

The Distress 1/16/2014 - 10:02 pm

To each their own opinion, but from experience before eventually losing consciousness from the overdose: the gradual loss of the ability to think, speak, or move combined with uncontrollable vomiting and anxiety revealed opiate ODing to be a less than peaceful way of going.

EK2020 1/17/2014 - 6:32 am

John, yours is one of my favorite posts I’ve ever read on this site over the years I’ve been visiting. Thanks for that provocative post.

johnwhogivesashit 1/17/2014 - 10:26 pm

I think he was mixing with other drugs. Told me last thing he rembered was getting home from work and taking 6. Combo’s . then waking up in hospital. I hope it was semi paInless. Barbitues too judging by what he offered me before. The first time they found 13 pills some semi to mostly desolved when they pumped his stomach. Don’t know about after he died

johnwhogivesashit 1/17/2014 - 10:31 pm

Just gets me cut up this time of year..my eventual suicide will be the most selfish thing I do ever. I just hope I can make it look like an accident. I wish I could write notes. Forever is a long time . idk cross that bridge when I jump…

clevername 1/17/2014 - 11:07 pm

this is one of my more rough times of year too… as if the holidays weren’t enough. Then again, it seems like there’s one of those every month or so. Seems like everything from august to february… no march… no april… may? is just fucked. Nope, summer too, so that’s the whole year. I’m never more than a month away from another anniversary of unfortunate events. There’s always another painful reminder, lurking around every corner, or just a few steps behind.

As for forever being a long time… we don’t dream for nearly as long as we sleep. Most of that time passes without our awareness of it.

Wifeisgone 1/17/2014 - 11:22 pm

Clev, I must admit…… I read your posts (sometimes only coz they are often too long), but what exactly happened to you ???

clevername 1/18/2014 - 12:22 am

@WIG:

for the sake of simplicity: a bunch of seemingly minor things, over a long period of time… and though i still have most of my mobility, i’ve had… idk how many nervous breakdowns, and would have to self-diagnose PTSD, because of how deeply certain things affected me, and the fact that the traumatizing stressors lasted so long.

The whole story in full detail would be prohibitively difficult to write accurately, and extremely taxing, both to write and to read. I had intended to write it all out, an idea i’ve entertained occasionally, for quite a while… but the few times i’ve actually tried to sit down and focus and actually get it all down, i’ve realized just how monumental of an undertaking it would be, and that i’m just not ready… just not strong enough to handle that, right now… still… and maybe i won’t be.

A lot of it does have to do with a girl. But i can’t give her all the credit, even though she was probably the most crippling factor of all.

And yet, just the other day, i found myself in the middle of a realization that i actually appreciate what she has done FOR me, by putting me in such an unfavorable, unbearable position, through so much prolonged psychological torment… that i’ve become who i am, today… the person who writes the words you guys read on this site, for the reasons i write them… not that i think i’m “so great,” or anything (because i certainly don’t… i’d prefer to be much better, and different in many ways, if i could)… but that i like some of the things i’ve gained through this seemingly insurmountable adversity which has been so unjustly and involuntarily imposed upon me, despite my most vehement protests. I’ve never seen someone so desperately irrational in all my life. Mind-boggling. Heartbreaking. “Soul” crushing. It’s almost as if she killed herself (and i would feel a conflicted sense of satisfaction in that case, because it would at least mean she felt bad, instead of being immune to remorse or regret)… but as far as i know, she’s still around, out there somewhere, doing her thing, and gives zero fucks about the detriment she has wrought upon my life… or about all of the “me,” of which her actions and choices have deprived the world. She didn’t just make me someone she doesn’t want to know, or herself someone i don’t want to know… she made me someone no one wants to know. She destroyed my will to live, which took my ability to motivate myself to live, along with it.

But like i said, she can’t have all the credit, because the world is still just as nasty if she never existed, or i never met her. The straw that breaks the camel’s back, shares the blame with the rest of the weight. If it only takes one straw to break the camel’s back, then the camel was overloaded in the first place.

And quite a lot of that weight, can be directly attributed to growing up in an irrational family who all came from a religious background, and who were constantly substituting fantastical false hope, in place of valid real-world solutions. Eventually enough time had passed that i was thrust into a world i was never allowed to become prepared to successfully navigate. And the rest has been mostly suffering in futility, paying for their mistakes (a cost i can’t afford)… which most of them refuse to acknowledge, and would become overly defensive, if i were to point them out (i have actually attempted this several times, with similarly volatile results each time… so i stopped bothering).

Anyway (sorry for the volume), lots of bad things have happened, at seemingly staggered dates. There is at least one every month or so, sometimes more… and so there is always a fresh reminder of painful memories. It’s like being surrounded, but in linear time. Sure, “that’s in the past,” the events themselves have ended… but the reminders will continue into the foreseeable future, due to events permanently recorded in the immutable past, with no option of a satisfactory resolution. It bothers me all the time. That part isn’t in the past. I let go as much as i could, but it stays. I try to push it away, but it’s too heavy, then swings roaring back like a pendulum, and knocks me down every time… even though i’ve never quite gotten all the way back up.

johnwhogivesashit 1/19/2014 - 7:36 am

People are like cars you can fix them up again and again after a crash but its frame and soul are never shiny new and innocent. Every dent and stress is still there. You can throw fresh paint on it but the fucker will still be dented from getting pennied. Also @wifeisgone. Your posts are all gratingly annoying and generally unhelpful. You also manage to reply to like everything. I’m not the only one you seem to rub the wrong way. Please do something with your life other than wasteing all of it here. I feel like every one of your posts is a confrontation. You have become bitter it seems. I know from personal experience it just turns the people you care about away. Good luck

OnlyLOVEisReal 1/19/2014 - 7:57 am

Johnwhogivesashit, i like the dents in my car, they add a unique character to all of us. Some can seem to be overwhelming, that last straw. Just know we are a community that can try and take some of that load off your shoulders, if you want to let it go.

Clevername, i really enjoy reading about your past. I am not happy you suffer, however i know it was a road that shaped you to who you are today and will play a part of who you will be tomorrow.

You both have my email if you ever need to write.

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