The lucky ones.

this is one of my more rough times of year too… as if the holidays weren’t enough. Then again, it seems like there’s one of those every month or so. Seems like everything from august to february… no march… no april… may? is just fucked. Nope, summer too, so that’s the whole year. I’m never more than a month away from another anniversary of unfortunate events. There’s always another painful reminder, lurking around every corner, or just a few steps behind.

As for forever being a long time… we don’t dream for nearly as long as we sleep. Most of that time passes without our awareness of it.

@WIG:

for the sake of simplicity: a bunch of seemingly minor things, over a long period of time… and though i still have most of my mobility, i’ve had… idk how many nervous breakdowns, and would have to self-diagnose PTSD, because of how deeply certain things affected me, and the fact that the traumatizing stressors lasted so long.

The whole story in full detail would be prohibitively difficult to write accurately, and extremely taxing, both to write and to read. I had intended to write it all out, an idea i’ve entertained occasionally, for quite a while… but the few times i’ve actually tried to sit down and focus and actually get it all down, i’ve realized just how monumental of an undertaking it would be, and that i’m just not ready… just not strong enough to handle that, right now… still… and maybe i won’t be.

A lot of it does have to do with a girl. But i can’t give her all the credit, even though she was probably the most crippling factor of all.

And yet, just the other day, i found myself in the middle of a realization that i actually appreciate what she has done FOR me, by putting me in such an unfavorable, unbearable position, through so much prolonged psychological torment… that i’ve become who i am, today… the person who writes the words you guys read on this site, for the reasons i write them… not that i think i’m “so great,” or anything (because i certainly don’t… i’d prefer to be much better, and different in many ways, if i could)… but that i like some of the things i’ve gained through this seemingly insurmountable adversity which has been so unjustly and involuntarily imposed upon me, despite my most vehement protests. I’ve never seen someone so desperately irrational in all my life. Mind-boggling. Heartbreaking. “Soul” crushing. It’s almost as if she killed herself (and i would feel a conflicted sense of satisfaction in that case, because it would at least mean she felt bad, instead of being immune to remorse or regret)… but as far as i know, she’s still around, out there somewhere, doing her thing, and gives zero fucks about the detriment she has wrought upon my life… or about all of the “me,” of which her actions and choices have deprived the world. She didn’t just make me someone she doesn’t want to know, or herself someone i don’t want to know… she made me someone no one wants to know. She destroyed my will to live, which took my ability to motivate myself to live, along with it.

But like i said, she can’t have all the credit, because the world is still just as nasty if she never existed, or i never met her. The straw that breaks the camel’s back, shares the blame with the rest of the weight. If it only takes one straw to break the camel’s back, then the camel was overloaded in the first place.

And quite a lot of that weight, can be directly attributed to growing up in an irrational family who all came from a religious background, and who were constantly substituting fantastical false hope, in place of valid real-world solutions. Eventually enough time had passed that i was thrust into a world i was never allowed to become prepared to successfully navigate. And the rest has been mostly suffering in futility, paying for their mistakes (a cost i can’t afford)… which most of them refuse to acknowledge, and would become overly defensive, if i were to point them out (i have actually attempted this several times, with similarly volatile results each time… so i stopped bothering).

Anyway (sorry for the volume), lots of bad things have happened, at seemingly staggered dates. There is at least one every month or so, sometimes more… and so there is always a fresh reminder of painful memories. It’s like being surrounded, but in linear time. Sure, “that’s in the past,” the events themselves have ended… but the reminders will continue into the foreseeable future, due to events permanently recorded in the immutable past, with no option of a satisfactory resolution. It bothers me all the time. That part isn’t in the past. I let go as much as i could, but it stays. I try to push it away, but it’s too heavy, then swings roaring back like a pendulum, and knocks me down every time… even though i’ve never quite gotten all the way back up.