I don’t know what’s triggering my depression, but I want to know. It’s driving me fucking nuts and I want an answer. I’m suffering from bipolar disorder and that can cause it, but WHAT THE HELL GAVE ME THE BIPOLAR DISORDER?! At this point, I don’t know. I’m about two seconds away from having a major anxiety attack mainly because I had a dream about me being happy. I woke up and I wanted to cry. I need help. Like, really. My depression is getting out of control and I want to end my life, but deep down in a dark and secretive side of me, I want to escape from this monster we call depression and live my life. I want to be free and I would really like help. That’s the main reason why I just told my foster mom to get my therapist here immediately. I am freaking out and I need to stop crying. Oh god, the depression is fucking killing me. I want to just get away from it.
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Random chemicals in yer noggin and random life crap is triggering your depression. It’s not fair. It sucks. You get to play life in hard mode. Please don’t do anything rash though. If you’re on the edge and think you’re going to do something to hurt yourself, just remember that you can do it at any time… and you can never undo it. In that moment just let everything go, all your problems can fuck off for a minute while you enjoy the peace before then end… because at that point, literally nothing else matters. Your problems don’t matter and your anxiety does matter and your monster doesn’t matter. Then when you’ve let it all go you’ll find the strength to keep going or find you need to change something.
I haven’t had dreams in a long time. Last night I had a really happy dream and I can’t remember it. All I remember is waking up and wishing I hadn’t.
Also, I’m assuming a little here but bear with me… keep pushing until you move out. Life is totally different and you’ll have the freedom to stretch your wings when you do. Life is crazy random.
Good luck!
I agree with toxic – bipolar is hard. The highs can be insane and the lows can be devastating. A good psychiatrist can give you meds that can make you feel much more stable and level. It’s important to refrain from self-medication because you can toss your swings in the wrong direction and end up on a roller coaster in far more distress than usual. You probably don’t feel like doing boring. mundane shit right now but if you keep track of your highs and lows (how often and how severe) the doctor can figure out what might help you much faster.
Take heart – you aren’t powerless over this even though it damned sure feels like it..