2013 has been I think the worst year of my entire life, and it looks like 2014 won’t be any better. December 14th 2012, I had an operation for scoliosis and was stuck in bed at home for 3 months. That was the most crucial time of year 11 as I was missing out on all the things we needed for GCSEs. I felt so far behind and alone when I came back to school, and everyone asking questions and spreading rumours didn’t help. Just breathing hurt so much, but everyone expected me to be fine and able to get on. I have always had poor motivation for studying since late secondary school. I think the reason was because I didn’t (and still don’t) think there’s a point. For some reason I just have this thought that nothing will ever change and nothing will ever happen, no matter what I do or try to do because it hasn’t in the past. So what’s the point? Even if I get the grades at A level what am I going to do? I have no idea what I want to do, and everyone around me knows and it makes me feel as if there’s something wrong with me or I’m not as smart or something. It’s so hard, struggling to weigh whether anything is worth it, because I feel worthless, like I don’t mean anything and never will. I am under constant stress over lots of things. I over think, I’m paranoid, I’m pessimistic, but everything that has happened and everything in the world has kind of made me think this way. Almost an hour ago I was crying and a thought came in my head, about the world. Why do we need all this? Why do we need materialistic things? Why did we invent these things that separate us? Why weren’t we happy with being with people and why are a lot of people obsessed with money and appearances? I know I am not attractive, I have bad acne (though I try to cover it up but I really don’t think it’s fooling anybody) and I’m not the desirable weight. Everyone roughly my age that I have either come across or seen or heard is superficial. If you’re not perfect, no one is interested. Since when did skinny waists and big curves and perfect faces become how someone is judged and perceived, without a second glance or willingness to know who they are? And that’s one of the reasons why I feel worse about myself. I am nowhere near perfect and I know that, but the way that people judge and say things makes me feel so bad – and it might be silly but it hurts, knowing that there won’t be anyone in a very long time that will throw aside appearances and want to know me for me.
But it’s about all relationships. I don’t know a single person that is willing to sit down and listen and give me advice and tell me that they are at least trying to understand and that things will be ok and that they are there for me. Every time I put my trust in someone and tell them how I’m struggling and about my feelings and ask for help I get shunned or pushed aside for something else. Because of this in my mind I’m not important enough for anyone I know (even my closest friends and my mum). My oldest sister will just dismiss the problems I try to tell her about, and the other older sister won’t even pretend to be interested and will change the subject or say that I’m being stupid. I don’t know who else to ask for advice or understanding. Something else that really gets to me, is how lonely and unimportant I feel. I read or hear that you should surround yourself with people who make you feel happy and good about yourself, and hearing people have that in their lives makes me wonder why I don’t. No one makes me feel special. No family member, no friend. I always ask how people are and want to know how their feeling and if they have something on their mind, but no one takes the time to ask me. That might sound a bit selfish or something, but I try with everyone to make an effort and make them happy, but I sort of get dismissed. I don’t fit in anywhere. At school there isn’t a certain crowd that I fit into, and no one really wants to listen to what I have to say. I’m not the most confident of people, I don’t make friends quickly and I get left out a lot with the friends I’ve known for years. I’ve given up on the idea that there is someone that really cares. And all of this makes me feel as if I don’t have a place anywhere. I was an ‘accident’ (though my mum sort of sugar-coats it saying I was a ‘miracle’ when it’s mentioned) and that makes me feel as though I wasn’t meant to be born, and that makes me think that I’m not meant to be here and that I shouldn’t be, as if I’ve done something wrong.
I have lost someone that I used to love so much. My granddad (to me then) was so warm and happy and sweet. We shared our birthday, and I felt closer to him that I had anyone else. As I got older he started to become sick, and it only worsened. There was a point where he would say horrible things in front of me and my two sisters (we were still young here) about our mum, who he never liked from the day his son (my dad) met her. And my spineless dad would be there in the room while our granddad would insult our mum, and do nothing. When him and my mum were married he never stood up for her, he almost feared his own dad. Anyway, a few years ago, my granddad passed away. And from there, it seemed like someone else had disappeared – my uncle. Still his name is not even mentioned. It’s like he doesn’t exist. He was so kind and fun. He was more of a dad than my own dad was to us. I have been hit as a child. I don’t remember much of it, but I remember once seeing the flashing lights of a police car outside our house, when my dad threw a toy truck at my sisters head when she was only around four and I was three. He used to force feed me food that I didn’t like. My dad also had hit my mum, but I think my mum didn’t want to leave him and call the police because that would separate us. Eventually she filed for divorce, and since I can remember he has been working abroad. For practically all my life he has not been there. He has missed most of me and my sister’s birthdays and Christmases. He sends us money, which I think he thinks is a way of compensating for lost time. A few years ago (despite everything) I really missed him as anyone would miss their dad. He didn’t even bother to see me when I had had an important operation, or even when I was recovering. I have emailed and called him asking why he cannot work over here because I missed him so much. And all he would really say is because there isn’t any good work over here in England for his kind of work. I still don’t understand how someone can just dismiss their own kids for money. Though I ask myself sometimes how a parent can hit or abuse (their own) defenceless child, and I can never think of a justifiable answer, so I’ve given up.
The title of this long post is what I want to know. What the hell do I do? I mean I was crying for over an hour and then found this website. At 00:50 I started writing this, and it is two in the morning. I have three essays that I was trying to do earlier, but I sort of broke down. I don’t think I’ll get any sleep to(day)night. I don’t know how I am going to keep up with everything when I’m falling apart and there’s nothing to keep me together. I have cut myself once, and have running images through my head of me walking into the kitchen from wherever I am, picking up the sharpest knife, and just ‘going’. It makes me wonder if it’s worth it, everything going away. Not feeling anything. Not existing. Sounds like the only realistic dream. I need someone to talk me out of this, but I’m scared to tell anyone. People I have trusted in the past in helping me and keeping a personal secret have let me down. I don’t know what to do. My grades are worse than ever. I never used to cry, and now it’s not rare. I’m sorry if this was a long read but I don’t know where else to turn.
Please help. Thank you.
4 comments
Honey having bad grades isnt that bad and I honestly I get why you feel this way I was in a similar situation but sweety its your life you can improve grades if you can to and who ever doesn’t want to support they can bite it really you need to live your life for you now -hugs-
It seems you’ve been through many tribulations in life. And what’s more is you know how to express yourself and the things you’ve experienced – better than many I know. You’ve found a place where people have gone through/are going through similar things and we will listen to you. Maybe the perfect solution to the problem cannot immediately be deduced but talking it out helps us find what we’re looking for. From the challenges you’ve faced already, it is evident you have much inner strength and courage. I admire that.
You’re in good company here.
Dear whatthehelldoido,
You are doing it, you are reaching out, you are writing down the your challenges and looking for answers. This a great site for you to use, there are many people here that are willing to listen and have similar experiences. Listen ask question and think about how to move in a positive direction.
*my opinion* *I am not implying you will fail in school*
Failure in school is not a reflection of self worth
Failure in school is not failure in life
Success in school will not bring fulfillment in life
proceed with caution when allowing the opinions of others to be paramount in the choices you make.
You have had some tough cards deal your way, you are handling them well! Keep talking and writing and always seek the truth, and don’t carry the pain locked inside you.
Dear whatthehelldoido,
You are doing it, you are reaching out, you are writing down the your challenges and looking for answers. This a great site for you to use, there are many people here that are willing to listen and have similar experiences. Listen ask question and think about how to move in a positive direction.
*my opinion* *I am not implying you will fail in school*
Failure in school is not a reflection of self worth
Failure in school is not failure in life
Success in school will not bring fulfillment in life
proceed with caution when allowing the opinions of others to be paramount in the choices you make.
You have had some tough cards deal your way, you are handling them well! Keep talking and writing and always seek the truth, and don’t carry the pain locked inside you.