Home Rants Been a Year Now…
Report Post

Been a Year Now…

by Omer

Tomorrow is the day my sister died exactly one year ago.. She was the fourth death I’ve suffered in 3 years now. The first one was somebody I loved a lot, Emily. She died to a car accident. Then my grandmother died to cancer.. Then my Father drank himself to death. Finally, my sister hung herself. I just.. don’t know anymore. Every day I wake up, sit in bed and just stare at the wall. My family is entirely unsupportive about everything, now. Every day of my life I get told, “You don’t deserve to be sad” or “You have no reason to be sad.” I get told, “I hurt more than you, shut the fuck up.” And honestly, I kinda have it beat into me now.. Apparently, I was given my schedule for work incorrectly and I let 2 hours too early, and just got yelled at over the phone as I am writing this. Gah, my brain is just so off topic now. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live anymore. Everything I do is fucked up, wrong in some way. If that’s the only thing I’ll ever do why do I live anymore? I can’t leave the house, I’m not allowed despite being an adult now. I have no car in my name, despite it being the car that was bought with the car that my dad gave me. I have no license, no way to the nearest city, no public transportation, no family willing to help, and no friends in my life. Nobody here to tell me “I love you” or show any sort of affection, nobody to tell me “it’s okay” besides the friends I have on the internet, which just isn’t the same no matter how much I wish it was. No way to get out of this, just.. Gah, it’s so hard sitting here trying to type this out now because I’m just crying thinking about it all. I don’t even love myself anymore.. I’ve been made into the monster, the evil one by my mother. That I only act the way I do because I’m some manipulative bastard. I haven’t let anybody love me, or loved anybody, since Emily died. Nobody has made an attempt, either, so I basically succeeded in isolating myself. That’s the one thing that I long for the most, just for somebody to give me a hug and tell me it’ll all be okay. Something that isn’t just text telling me the same thing everybody else tells me. Sorry, this just ended up turning into a rant more than anything. I can’t help but feel like I failed to help my sister. That it’s sort of my fault, for not catching the symptoms. That it’s my fault for not helping her, for not realizing her boyfriend was raping her, for not realizing people were bullying her, for just failing at my one job as an older brother. The one thing I was supposed to do, protect her and love her no matter what. I failed that job.. God, what did I do :(. This hurts me so much, every day, when I’m awake and when I’m dreaming. Just.. the thought of everything that happened. Reliving my life, day after day, and getting nowhere in it myself. I went from top of my class to.. nothing. I don’t have a diploma and probably never will. Kind of makes me sad, that she’s the one that paid the ultimate price for the stupid error I made in not noticing her cries for help. I feel like people don’t want to talk to me anymore, don’t want to be near me, don’t want to bother with me. My school’s said, “Is he even worth helping?” Everybody here just thinks I’m worthless, disposable, a waste of space… and honestly so do I now.

 

 

tl;dr: I’m a broken record, that just sits and dwells on the past and doesn’t see anything helpful coming to help him in a long, long time. That just suffers so much and probably will just drive himself insane now.

 

Sorry for just leaking everything, I had to get it out somehow..

7 comments
0

Related posts

7 comments

The Koji 2/8/2014 - 9:02 pm

Its ok.
I listened to every word.

Im deeply sorry for all your losses. Its unfair and tragic.

As for your sister’s suicide, there was only so much you could have done or even knew. Its not your fault. There are alot of different people who commit suicide very differently and In different manners. Some are open some are closed. She probably hid her pain and secrets. She probably did it as a way to protect you.

Some people can appear very happy on the outside but internally be dying. She made the choice and not you.

Please dont blame yourself. She was in pain she saw this as her escape. Of course we both know there were other options for her but we can only do so much, it was her choice in the end.

Im here to support you and listen.
Im sorry for everything.

Omer 2/8/2014 - 9:32 pm

I’m sorry for everything so much, it hurts. 🙁

Omer 2/8/2014 - 9:46 pm

I just want somebody to actually acknowledge me.. that I’m something in my life..

OnlyLOVEisReal 2/8/2014 - 10:09 pm

Dear Omer,

That is a full plate there. Like Koji stated, people can hide their pain very well, even from family. Many of us here have failed others or are actively hiding our pain from family. Try not to let this destroy you. Try to harness this lesson into something positive down the road. Ask more questions of those around you. Unfortunately, this may not be the last time in your life a close friend or family member needs someone to talk with about turmoil in their lives. You could play a part in their healing by knowing the development of depression and how to interviene.

Omer 2/8/2014 - 10:15 pm

I have no more family I care about, no more people to save but myself..

The Koji 2/8/2014 - 10:16 pm

Its ok to hurt Omer. Dont be sorry.

You are something in this life. You are somebody and you are of great worth regardless of what people tell you. You are you. Your unique and theres only one of you in this planet.

Your in a bad situation. You have very little support from your family, you have lost people very close, circumstances are not in your favor and left to think your to blame and your the bad guy.

Your not.

I cannot say life will get or not get better. There are things we can and not control in our life. But you have to make a descion whether to try against all adversity to prove you have a purpose and have a better life. Its a rough journey, there will be ups and downs but its worth a shot. Life is all you have.

Understand your not a waste of space, a monster, evil or some manipulative bastard. You are you. You seem like a good loving soul, just lost and broken. But its time to fix whats broken. Allow your self time to heal then realize and set forth what you need to do to fulfill a better life. You can do it.

Its time to reflect and learn from the past. Learn to move on and forgive yourself. Dont worry what others think, live life for yourself. Live life for the ones you lost and the life they could not have.

I hope I have helped, even if it was just a little.
Like I said im here for you.
Dont give up and take care.

Omer 2/9/2014 - 1:39 am

Why bother continuing, with everything? I don’t see it getting better any time.

Leave a Comment