Tomorrow is the day my sister died exactly one year ago.. She was the fourth death I’ve suffered in 3 years now. The first one was somebody I loved a lot, Emily. She died to a car accident. Then my grandmother died to cancer.. Then my Father drank himself to death. Finally, my sister hung herself. I just.. don’t know anymore. Every day I wake up, sit in bed and just stare at the wall. My family is entirely unsupportive about everything, now. Every day of my life I get told, “You don’t deserve to be sad” or “You have no reason to be sad.” I get told, “I hurt more than you, shut the fuck up.” And honestly, I kinda have it beat into me now.. Apparently, I was given my schedule for work incorrectly and I let 2 hours too early, and just got yelled at over the phone as I am writing this. Gah, my brain is just so off topic now. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live anymore. Everything I do is fucked up, wrong in some way. If that’s the only thing I’ll ever do why do I live anymore? I can’t leave the house, I’m not allowed despite being an adult now. I have no car in my name, despite it being the car that was bought with the car that my dad gave me. I have no license, no way to the nearest city, no public transportation, no family willing to help, and no friends in my life. Nobody here to tell me “I love you” or show any sort of affection, nobody to tell me “it’s okay” besides the friends I have on the internet, which just isn’t the same no matter how much I wish it was. No way to get out of this, just.. Gah, it’s so hard sitting here trying to type this out now because I’m just crying thinking about it all. I don’t even love myself anymore.. I’ve been made into the monster, the evil one by my mother. That I only act the way I do because I’m some manipulative bastard. I haven’t let anybody love me, or loved anybody, since Emily died. Nobody has made an attempt, either, so I basically succeeded in isolating myself. That’s the one thing that I long for the most, just for somebody to give me a hug and tell me it’ll all be okay. Something that isn’t just text telling me the same thing everybody else tells me. Sorry, this just ended up turning into a rant more than anything. I can’t help but feel like I failed to help my sister. That it’s sort of my fault, for not catching the symptoms. That it’s my fault for not helping her, for not realizing her boyfriend was raping her, for not realizing people were bullying her, for just failing at my one job as an older brother. The one thing I was supposed to do, protect her and love her no matter what. I failed that job.. God, what did I do :(. This hurts me so much, every day, when I’m awake and when I’m dreaming. Just.. the thought of everything that happened. Reliving my life, day after day, and getting nowhere in it myself. I went from top of my class to.. nothing. I don’t have a diploma and probably never will. Kind of makes me sad, that she’s the one that paid the ultimate price for the stupid error I made in not noticing her cries for help. I feel like people don’t want to talk to me anymore, don’t want to be near me, don’t want to bother with me. My school’s said, “Is he even worth helping?” Everybody here just thinks I’m worthless, disposable, a waste of space… and honestly so do I now.
tl;dr: I’m a broken record, that just sits and dwells on the past and doesn’t see anything helpful coming to help him in a long, long time. That just suffers so much and probably will just drive himself insane now.
Sorry for just leaking everything, I had to get it out somehow..