this is the saddest i have ever been and i don’t even remember what happiness even feels like anymore
i’m always so down and sad and whenever i laugh i don’t mean it and it’s just not right and i can’t even smile.
my heart feels gross. like it’s sunken in darkness, my mind is always cloudy and i’m failing a lot of my school classes.
i should be glad that my friend has come down for a couple months to stay, but it’s been so tough. she wants me to be happy.. but i just can’t. it’s like i’m incapable of being glad. i’m always so negative towards things, i can’t stand myself.
i’m trash. i shouldn’t be alive.
all what i find fun now is hurting myself and sleeping. i cry all the time and i don’t know why. everyone hates me. i hate myself. i just want to die.
i’ve been close to killing myself. i’ve tried killing myself 3 times. of course, i chickened out.
around 2 weeks ago, my sister came in after my mother was screaming at me for cutting myself…
she was crying and telling me she didn’t  understand why i hate myself so much.
she asked me not to kill myself.
and that’s when i lost it.
i cannot deal with this shit. i can’t deal with my family. i can’t deal with my ‘friends’. all they do is make me feel like shit. and when i try to explain to them that i feel terrible because of them i get SCREAMED at. i never feel comfortable.
i can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. i get a nauseous  feeling in my stomach and i end up crying because of my face. the way i look. how i never smile.
i wish i smiled more often, but i can’t find myself to.
i have random people ask me
‘are you okay?’ ‘is everything alright?’
i tend to say yes, that i just did not get enough sleep and try to reassure them. but to be honest it’s all because i never sleep. i never can. that and the fact that i am not alright. i am not close enough to being okay.
i wish i were okay. i wish i felt happy and content about my life. but everything has gone down hill. EVERYTHING.
self esteem? i don’t have any. i wish i did. when people look at me, i always have anxiety attacks.
‘what if they notice my flaws?’… ‘does my make up look bad?’ … ‘oh god, oh god, oh god, they’re seeing how ugly i am’.. ‘i should just die. that would be better than for these people to look at me.’ ‘i’m hideous.’
i’m too nervous to take photos, to call people, to text people, to look at people or even myself.
i don’t like life. i don’t like the way i live my life.
it seems like everyone is falling in love. that they’re happy or way more than i am.
but i here i am.
the exact opposite. i haven’t been in a relationship for around a year. i’m so alone. i have barely any friends because i distance myself from anyone.
all what i do is think. there’s around (what it feels like) 4,000 thoughts racing through my head 24/7.
i can’t breath. i feel gross.
i hope i die soon.
sorry if none of this makes sense.
5 comments
You are not nothing. You are not worthless and you are certainly not trash.
This does make sense, at least to me. You have to know tho, the fact that everyone screams at you when you try to explain how you feel is because they have seen how you hurt yourself and don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe try telling them to look for some kind of medical help for the sleep thing… that always messes up with people (i suffer from sleeping problems too).
As for the self esteem thing, you are 14, it’s not that uncommon to have self esteem issues at or around that age, but you have to know that in the end all that matters is how you see yourself… just don’t let a wrong image of yourself to mess with your life… as you said you push people away yourself… it’s a bit hard to find someone if you push them away yourself… funny tho, you mention not being in a relationship for a year…. you are only 14, some people haven’t been in relationships until their early 20s (some even older).
As far as not being able to sleep you could go to the doctor and get a prescription for Lorazepam. It’ll also calm down your anxiety. That in turn might calm down your desire to self harm and your self hating thoughts.. I use Lorazepam to help me sleep. Just tell your doctor you have anxiety and you should be able to get a prescription.
I feel the same way. I went from feeling like I was something to being nothing.
You are not alone in your feelings.
All you do is think with 4000 thoughts racing through your head 24/7.
You…yes…YOU Are NOT your thoughts. Those are just thoughts and NOT YOU.
It’s like saying, I have 4000 smells running through my nose!
I have 4000 tastes running through my mouth!!
I have 4000 sights running by my eyes!!
YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS!!