i did want to die back then

its funny how as an adolescent i had many different reasons i wanted to die and they made sense to me.Now im not really sure if dying is the goal as of late.Acually im not sure what the goal is.
I find myself getting depressed over little things such as my aunt wasting away and me not speaking with her.also things like transpportation issues.Money issues despite never having had to pay a bill my whole life.I worry about not having a significant other.i worry about being alone homeless and helpless.Suprisinginly i worry about my own health since ive tried to take my own life so many times.So okay theres a lot of things that make me depressed.But still what pushes me to the edge of no return i.e. suicide are no related to the things im depressed about.
About a week ago i found my moms stash of medicaion.It was in the same place she had hid it last time when i found i.I dont blame my mother entirely as i was the one who took the pills.But i wish my curiosity wouldve been kept in check.I wish i had never found hose pills.Now i plan to kill myself next month at some point.Not because i hate my life but because i have a crushing urge to overdose.I think the same would be said about a gun.Id probably shoot myself in the leg.But i cant legally own one.So suicidal im really not just into to dangerous things.