I hope this helps, (maybe)…

Every night I would hold a loaded 9mm to head, I never had the fucking balls to pull the trigger. I kept going to work, see people, paying bills …. I got dropped from insurance and ran out of LAMICTAL,, oh well. I started to get a new life in order, a tiny bit of exercise via biking around SF. I feel ok, not great, but ok, which is awesome since I’ve wanted to off myself for 20 years and my girl friend did so with me present. life is full of crazy shit, things can get better. stay busy.