This is my first ‘story’ on here, and quite frankly I don’t really get how to navigate this whole thing.
But that’s not what I’m on here to talk about.
Nobody in my family that is close to me has died. I mean, my great aunt and my mom’s cousin’s dad died, but nothing effecting me too much. I’m not poor, my parent’s aren’t divorced, and I have a relatively happy and functional family.
If your still reading this, and you haven’t clicked out because it looks like im trying to brag about what i have, thanks. Because I’m not bragging.
I want to die. See now, that’s the strange thing. My life sounds so happy, right? I’m not happy. I like dark things, morbid things, messed up things. I like to spend most of my days in my room, when I can. My mom thinks im too anti-social for my own good so now she makes me stay downstairs. I go to a private school. So that must mean im smart, right? No, im not. Compared to the kids in my school that get straight A+’s I’m considered stupid. I cant ever focus. I have such a vivid imagination that sometimes I dont even know where the thoughts came from. I get mostly C’s and D’s. My mom yells at me for it. Quite a lot, nowadays. She says, “I don’t know how your father thought it was a good idea to send you and your brother (he’s 11) to this school. You guys dont even try! You cant even get straight B’s and thats all we ask of you!” I do try. A lot. but it doesn’t help when I’m that weird sort-of-emo kid in school, that only talks to like 5 people at most.
My self esteem level is a -1578374928. I’m fat, ugly, stupid, weird, emo, odd, a “waste of space” as my friend likes to put it, an introvert, and I’m just flat out disgusting. I hate myself. I didn’t used to be like this. When I was little I likes Barbie and pink and flowers and butterflies. Not anymore. My mom hates what I wear, she says I look like a boy. My brother (who is once again, 11 yrs old) calls me fat about 4 times a week. He’s not wrong.
I’ve thought about suicide about 50 times. I’ve planned it, hell, i’ve even written a will. 3 people in my life know that I cut, am suicidal, depressed, bipolar, etc. This has been going on for a while. Now I just feel empty. I welcome death. It seems, nice. I wonder if anyone would miss me. I would miss my dog, and my family, but i dont know if they’d feel the same. Sorry this is really long… for school I have to write like 5 page essays so I tend to over-write. I dont really know how to end this since ive never really talked/ typed about it before… so, the end?
Uh, bye or whatever people usually say.
-Sidney (I’m a girl…. yeah my name is a guys name)
4 comments
To start of… If your “friend” told you, you’re a waste of space then they’re not really a friend. And if you think they are you need to read a definition of a friend, because a true friend would support you, not call you names and put you down like that. In terms of the grades, trust me I know exactly how you feel, I’m not exactly the smartest myself either and my family get angry at me if I don’t get A’s which is hard for me to get. They don’t even appreciate that I’m trying my hardest. But that’s family, they want you to get the best you can, they set they’re expectations too high and then we feel like we’re not good enough. So don’t let that bring you down, keep trying your hardest. About being an “outcast” don’t worry. People will one day realise how much of a nice person you are, you shouldn’t let people’s comments get to you. I know it’s easier said than done, but please stay strong and never give up.
Welcome to this website, it’s helped me a lot and I hope it helps you too, there’s so many amazing people on this it’s unbelievable. Stay strong beautiful, you can do it!
@Unicorn: I read your entire post. At first, I’m ashamed to admit, I was going to click on another post. But then I read your “thanks” for giving your post a chance & I kept reading. We’re different in many ways, but when I was your age I also had a very difficult time at school. Like you, I looked different from nearly everyone else. Very different. Bullying–emotional and physical–was such a constant in my life that it began to crowd out everything else, and, I am confident, killed my self esteem and my ability to care for myself. Notice I didn’t say bullying disinclined me from caring for myself. In my case, because the bullying was NEVER addressed, it killed self-care. You must be very brave to deal with what you do day after day after day after day after… I remember absolutely hating school. I was a good student, but even so both my peers and the teachers just loathed me–many of the adults actually telling me so. School was hell for me. Not metaphorically. It was a literal hell. No one should ever, ever have to live through that. Absolutely no one.
I shared that so you know you have a fan club. There are many like me who don’t just feel bad for you. We “get it.” And we’re cheering for you the way we would have wanted someone to cheer for us. We want you to win and to survive and to be happy if it’s at all possible. That doesn’t automatically bring consolation, I know. But as truthfully as I can “say” this, you are not alone.
I don’t know your parents, but my gut tells me they love you and your brother more than you can know until you have your own kids. I wonder if you spoke to them and told them how you feel if they’d find a safe place for you. Do you think if you were someplace else–another school or program, and there are so many options today, you could feel more at ease? I’m not usually one to play the “everything-will-be-alright” part, but I wonder if you had the support you need and want, if you could turn things around. What do you think? What would you do if you were mom or dad and your child were experiencing what you’re experiencing? What do you want to happen?
I wish I could do something for you. I cannot be more sincere in wishing the best for you.
It’s absolutely incredible how similar our stories are. However, i’m only 13 but i’m much more mature, i don’t cut regularly (so that nobody finds out i’m depressed), and nobody has any clue what i feel like inside. i’m not emo and pretend to be happy only because i’ve planned suicide in the future and don’t want anyone to find out i’m depressed and ruin my plans.