I have spent a long time reading through this site. But never posted.
For the last 3 years now is struggled with depression, caused by job stress, relationship etc. Over the last two month I hit a patch where my job and my boss brought me right down. I’d entertained the idea of suicide, but could never go any further than that because of my partner, whom I love very much.
So for two months I’ve fought back, getting back to a healthy state, then on saturday night, after a good day in the sun, drinking and enjoying my time with my partner and friends, I go inside and break down. Crying uncontrollably saying how awful I am. My partner ges everyone to leave and tries to comfort me, but all I can say is how much better off the world would be without me. Having had a brother who had attempted suicide she must have sort help. But within minutes of speaking with her brother I heard different people call up, ask her if she could get out the house and call the police.
So later she’s gone, the police have taken me to the hospital to chat to a doctor. At this stage I’m quite calm, and realize how silly I’ve been. I then get a text saying she cares about me but she’s going. This has sent me off the edge.
The only reason I’ve never ended it is because of her, and now she’s either had enough, or her family have turned her against me.
So this morning, after a day of grief I’ve very calmly been putting my plan together. For 7 months I’ve been researching the helium exit method. Today I’ve gone and got the bag, elastic etc and have been practicing with it, emptying out the air, breath out, then putting the bag on. I’m strangely calm about it, and have no problems with the bag on my head.
I’ve found a local shop, where I can hire a large cylinder of helium, 45 cubic feet with regulator, and just found the corner I can get the PVC piping.
So, my final plan is to talk to her tonight, or try. After 8 years she must let me talk to her right?. I just need her back, she doesn’t need to live with me, and I’m happy to give her some space, but I do need her back.
If that doesn’t go well I’m going to calmly keep working towards the end.
I don’t want to hear how it might get better, how this is just the shock. I am doing this now because I’m able to now, with nothing to hold me back. I’ve wanted this for too long now for it just to be a phase. It is something I have carefully considered for months.
I just want to share my story, and I know there are supportive people here who will let me do what I need to do to be happy