Reason to exist

I graduated from college and have a Bachelors of Science. I thought more doors would be opened for me but now ten month since graduation… this does not seem so.

I held a position in manufacturing 6 months after graduate just to make some money but did not take long for me to feel dissatisfied, unaccomplished, and severely depressed. I woke each morning feeling unmotivated, miserably, and wondering why I cannot launch my career. I had no problem quitting the job. The job put me to sleep (literally), the pay sucked, the hours was pitiful, no one appreciate the volunteered overtime and… most importantly, I want to dedicate my pursue to MY DREAM!

I attempted to volunteer but apparently there are no openings at this time (maybe, I asking the wrong set of agencies). I attempted to move away but never had enough money to move away. I reserved to apply to any graduate programs, Post-bachelors programs, fellowships, internships, and certification programs but there are no guarantees and one program rejected me already and I did not take well. I attempt to find and apply to positions related to my field of interest but without any research or work experience… I cannot get anyone anywhere to try me.

Before any say, “You have so much going for you.” I DON’T!!

I was raised in working class (nearly impoverished) background. My parents did not pay for me to go nowhere. I worked each semester and between semester to make ends meet when financial aid couldn’t cover the remaining cost. I did not have a social live (I never had such a thing as real friends). Sometimes I did not eat or barely ate (one meal a day). I experience severe bouts of depression and sleep disrupts. I hoped that with all the sacrifices in consideration, it would all pay off once I graduated (assuming I could finish at the time).

I have been to therapy but nothing has worked with my declining mood and suicidal tendencies. I have been on medication but it nothing has adjusted my mood.

Part of college pursue and becoming a professional in the sciences is part of my raison d’être.

Current: My ambitions are on life support and struggling to find something… anything that might save my it. I am talking myself thought how I mean to cope with the strong possibly of my ambition amounting to nothing. I am struggling to fashion another raison d’être but feel such attempts will be in vain… I have nothing more going for me than degree I cannot use, dreams I have to bury, emptiness I cannot feel with anything, and strong possible of killing myself by my 30th birthday.