Why go on…?

I want to die. I really want to die, because I can’t take anymore of this hell. I’m a sophomore in high school, and barely hanging on. Parents hate me, telling me that theyve been trying to tell me they’re doing things for me. How can I believe that when they get pissed off at everything I do that they hate, whether it be major or trivial, and tell me to lie for their benefit? And I get beaten for it, no matter what I do. All I ask is for peace, yet no matter how much I try to get good grades, I can’t. And it embarrasses the hell out of me. I hear other people of my grade level, lower, and higher, all doing better than I am, and I can’t even compare on any level because I can’t do as well as they are. Ive been told that I cant even go to college with the grades I have. I try to do my best, but my parents think that Im slacking off, and berate me for it. During my Elementary and junior high school years, Ive tried to make friends, and I have, but once I entered high school, I lost nearly all of them. If I ever saw some of them, they acted as if I were some sort of stranger. So i became a recluse, and merely accepted people I interacted as acquantinces. Ive been going to a church for the past 4 years, but Ive only made a couple friends so far, and i dont even remember how. But even then, I get told that Im wierd, crazy, boring, and lazy, no matter how nice I try to be. Teachers that I go to for help have told me that they hate me. My second year of high school, Ive lost interaction with more acquantinces at school. I lost my granfather when I was seven, and I was just about to go visit him a month later. My grandmother has become mentally unstable ever since. My aunt lost her husband a couple years after I was born, and lives a life of solitude as a widow. I can’t play sports because of my leg deformity, so i get worn out with cramps walking just for a minute, but my parents think that I just walk wierd and say that Im lazy. So i try going for debate, because I can’t do sports, but no matter what I do to even get to elimination rounds, I get screwed over by parent judges who give me low speaker points, denying me of something I finally had a chance to be decent at, despite my win to loss ratio. No matter whatever piece of success comes my way, something always comes in and takes it from me.

Prayers don’t work for me because Im an atheist. I was catholic before I became an atheist, and I changed because there were so many things that the religion is based off that were just weak foundations, none of it made any sense to me. Why can’t animals go to heaven? How do we know a place like purgatory exists if we cant even describe what it really does? What determines how many years you spend in purgatory? What factors in your life determine whether you go to heaven, purgatory, or hell? What happens to young people who die early without having done anything? Why cant people in hell be able to repent and be given a chance to go to purgatory, or even heaven? If the church was so full of holes and false beliefs in the past, why can’t it still be full of problems? How is that the pope is the servant of servants, yet has belongings and clothing that is of better quality than mine? Ive been told that the church and science have always supplemented each other, yet I’ve never been given a clear explanation as to how from any of my theology teahers. I learn that the second coming will be the day of judgement for all people at he same time, yet im told by others that death is the second coming. And even if it wasnt, what factors will determine when god comes and why? What happens to people born after the second coming? What happens to people of other religions? Even if God did not create evil and that pain that occurs here is not his doing, can’t he at least do something to placate this pain? If God is all knowing, why did he create the fruit of knowledge in the Garden of Eden, and allow Adam and Eve to eat it if he knew what was going to happen? Since Adam and Eve didnt have any knowledge of what was right or wrong, then doesnt that mean eating the fruit was never a bad thing to them before, even if they did disobey? Why did he create the universe on a certain day? What had he been doing before up to the creation of the universe? Why is there nothing about black holes in any church teachings? There are just so many unexplainable and confusing things in the church that have made me atheist. My parents still try to force it onto me though, and I can’t do anything. I remember that I used to pray a lot, asking, “God? Where are you? Show me my purpose. Help my family. Help me please.” My prayers, over the years, became shorter, and shorter, until they were always one word. “Help”. Then I lost faith.

Another reason, along with others that I will list, as to why people think im wierd. I was always pondering about life and what purpose people have for being born ever since I was nine years old. I get stares from people because I thought about things at such a young age, and also for all the white hair that I have, being called a grandpa for the way I think, act, and look. I get called wierd for not watching tv, using an old phone and not switching to a smartphone, for reading and writing stories in my free time instead of doing “normal things”, listening to classical music, being ignorant for not knowing hollywood stars, and acting like an asexual.

So, what then if I do get a job somehow and grow up? I live a life as an adult…what kind of future is that? There seems to be no purpose to me in living a measly life. I see no future worth living for in my state…

My family hates me. Teachers hate me. Schoolmates think Im wierd and crazy. Im not good at academics. Im no good at debate. My memory keeps failing me, and I forget things quickly. Im physically impaired. I can’t socialize with people. Ive lost most of the friends that Ive had. Im told that I have no chance at a proper future. Things that I used to care for dearly, I no longer do. Im probably stupid, ugly, and fat, like my parents have told me. I hold no purpose in this life. I might as well be insane for all I know. I have the characteristics of a sociopath. Im a horrible person, and I might be doing this generation a favor by getting rid of myself.

The only reason im still alive at this point is because of this one person, whose name and gender I shall not disclose, who has been constantly reminding me that there is a tiny hope in humanity, thanks to this person’s calming personality. This friend reminds me that good people still exist, even if I never meet them during my time. Once a year, on my birthday, I am able to get a tiny respite from the hell I live in thanks to this person. If I do decide to end my pathetic life, this person will be the last person I will ever talk to, and I want to thank this friend for keeping me alive, and apologize to this person for being unable to repay them for everything they’ve done to encourage me for the past years, because I can only depend on this person for so long.

Honestly, death seems like the best option for me. I wont have to deal with this living hell anymore. I can finally be truly alone with all the peace I could get. My death will bring about more happiness, since I never really existed in people’s eyes anyways. Someone else who also feels pain wrote up a phrase on this website that perfectly describes my thought on death. “I’m terrified of death, but i know that if i kill myself, i wouldn’t even know i died because the pain will be gone.” All my worries, gone in that moment, and forever. Ive always wanted to help people, so this will be my way of helping. No one truly cares for me. Humans will be humans. We share joy, sadness, hate, and we sympathize, but in the end, we all forget.

My main problem is my parents. I don’t always have to deal with the outside world, but I have to deal with them. Everyday, I dread meeting them. They hate me, force me to lie to others, expect me to be the top student in my current situation, and blame me as the root of all their problems. Everytime i feel like im coughing up my lungs, unable to think properly due to migraines, or too sick to even see properly, my parents force me to go to school and study, saying that as long as im not on my deathbed, I can still go to school. One time I broke an arm and sprained a muscle in my wrist while snowboarding, my parents didnt want to waste money on me at the hospital, so they got cardboard, fluff, and had the people there make a sling for me, which I stayed in for nearly 3 months. During breaks from school, instead of letting me rest up a bit, I get forced to study for AP subject tests that I haven’t even taken the honors class for. They told me that they were the top students in their school, but somehow werent able to get good jobs, and put the blame on me, their youngest child. My sister doesnt even get any of this, and she’s in college. They get mad that I dont have a job in high school, yet leave my sister alone, who is in her second year in college, and says she is fine without a job. They tell me that Im lazy and stupid, call me a liar and a crazy retard. I try my best to do well in school, but I cant get sraight A’s, and my parents think that Im slacking off, playing games, and being an idiot. Whenever I try to explain something, they call me a liar, and tell me that I should stop being stupid and use my head for once. They tell me I have no right to complain, cry, or voice my opinion, as long as I live under their roof. But I cant do anything, the only thing I can do is run away. But i dont even have a place to run away to.

Just today, my parents disowned me. When they told me that I wasnt their son…I didnt know how to react. Theyve already left me in the house alone, and have gone somewhere. I wonder where they’ve gone…

There’s a thunderstorm outside, the first Ive seen in years…

I remember a quote I once used to smile at when I was younger. “Don’t worry. In the end, everything will be alright”. I used think this quote applied to someone who lives their life despite hardships, as paradise will await them in the end. But I now realize, it is a quote meant for the dead…

If anyone out there can give me a good reason to live on in my situation, then I truly thank you. But really, by the time you read this, I will probably already be dead. I feel like such a hypocrite, telling people not to suicide, yet I want to do it myself. But I have nothing to lose, because I have no family anymore, nothing to live for. I just hope that everyone who is living in a situation similar to mine will get out of it, and everyone else who is not me will live a life better than the one I did.

There’s two weeks left until my birthday. One last reunion might be good. But if Im quiet that day…

Thank you, and I’m sorry…