It’s been 18 years.
I’m 18 year old female, a senior in highschool. I’m good looking, creative, intelligent and easy to get along with. But within me lies an everlasting, deep internal conflict, loneliness, and a very broken heart. I have no family, no friends and I just recently lost my lover. I have been framed and spent a year on probation for it, my parents have taken me to court several times (they’re so insensitive they treat family matters like business), I’ve never had somebody I could call up and talk to. I’ve had friends several times before. But all of them, usually in groups, leave me and bully me after being together for a certain amount of time. I tried to coat my problems with a new boyfriend, who ended up just using me, cheating on me, and giving me an STD…another reason to be a laughing hoax. That same summer, the previous summer, I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, broke my ankle, had forced therapy sessions that didn’t help, and began probation. Everything in my life fell apart…but one man rose above and loved me at my worst. All I ever wanted was the love I never got from my family…and I get walked all over. I don’t fit in. I hate drama. I hate the drug scene. I hate people who judge only by looks. I hate giant friend groups with hiarchies based on how trendy you are. I hate trends. I have dreadlocks. I dress differently. I listen to different music. I don’t fit into a stereotype. It’s  it’s hard for me to find friends because of this.  But I cherish those who do become my friends. Which as of now, I have none.
As for my lover, I fell deeply inlove this past summer. He was perfect….an edgy, unique, hard working, genuine, very attractive man. He loved me through my worst…he held me when I cried, made me not care about others opinions about me. Eventually however, him hearing about my past drove him away from me, he began to misunderstand me and he also developed suicidal feelings and depression. He freaked out on me and I called the police. It was a very serious break down. He hated me since. I didn’t realize that he was just had depression too, but was projecting it in a more masculine way…with violence and denial….rejecting my help.
If only I knew….I could of been more empathic and helped him….I fear everyday he will go over the edge, and I won’t be there to prevent it..it was so sudden. We had just bought a place together, planned a huge celebration for my end of probation. A whole 6 months of him and I never being able to sleep in the same bed overnight because of my probation curfew….we never even made it…just all the sudden he was gone…it wasn’t him who freaked out in me, it was his illness.
I was a very empty person growing up. I was depressed my whole life. I wasn’t motivated to ANYTHING and just sort of absorbed all the interests of my fellow peers. Even though this is true, by 18 I developed into my own person….he still thought I empty…
A year before I went through another very heartbreaking break up.
In my youth all I did was imagine, live a life inside my head to make up for my reality. I have nothing to show for my youth. I am unsure of the future and frightened. I hate school, I hate this town, I have no interests, and I have no skill. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with such a horrible foundation.
All I want is loving relationships. Friends…a lover…anybody.
I can’t go on being naturally extraverted yet so lonely. I am beginning to feel that my plans to leave town and start anew isn’t realistic, that I’ll never find friends. That my lover whom I don’t even speak to is feeling worse…..how come it has been now 30ish people in my life who have gotten my hopes up with friendship  crush it…yet out of that 30 nobody is here to help me through thks horrible break up, or the burden of my family, or that I lost my job and car, nobody to celebrate getting off probation. Nobody…..
I’ve had this overwhelming internal conflict. Why am I bullied? Why can’t I make friends? Why can’t I keep a lover? Why don’t I have a loving family? Why have I spent 18 years being miserable and unmotivated and continue to do so? These questions I ask everyday…which made me develope severe anxiety in front of people, causing me to skip a lot of school..
I cry daily over my ex lover. I wish I had just one person to talk to. I cry over how I spend days…weeks…months….in the house, doing nothing, crying, while those who hurt me and are bad people are out living their lives. It hurts…I even turned to religion, and even in a new age/ buddhist community, I got bullied….
I don’t want to live.
My pain has exceeded my coping resources for far too long.
Not a single good memory from my youth.
How will I build a home with a shitty foundation.