by way of a lamp post, a light..

.. but nothing more than an artificial light.

I can’t seem to be able to express myself properly much anymore. Nor can I express this pain that is so deeply imbedded in my heart and my soul, from there on it has hurt my body badly, and this goes on, and on, in a perpetual cycle. The sun has gone for so long. My spirit has gone for so long. I am debilitated by the relentless pain I continue to carry. It has been 6 months, and in these 6 months I have only learned of more and more that has hurt me so much until there is nothing left of me. There is no way in my circumstances I would be able to endure this kind of pain. I tried but it has been all too much. I’ve never been through this kind of trauma, hurt and deceit. Deceit upon deceit, when I gave away all things genuine and good. Along with my heart I gave away the last healthy years of my life, a life cut short. He has hurt me too deeply. He took everyone for a fool. And me, I was the wrong girl, I was vulnerable enough as it was.

Sometimes at night, I would crack my bedroom window to let in a breeze. I would take a deep breath and feel the bittersweetness of nostalgia, of times when I was free. The air reminds me of a past long gone. Sometimes it reminds me of when I was seventeen. Walking underneath the sun by the West Cliffs. Of eucalyptus trees and Maryanne’s mango ice cream. Of diner breakfasts after breaking night. Of hitch hiking and being reckless. I remember riding in my friend’s yellow Volkswagen and singing along to the radio- ‘Welcome to Paradise’. Of driving to SF in my friend’s old SAAB and getting into trouble; we would dance all night.

And some nights the air coming in through my cracked window would remind me of a time in South Beach when I was 24. Sun kissed lips and wild hair blowing in the wind. Swimming in the ocean in a light blue bikini. Driving through the Keys to Key West and key lime pies. Of warm nights on a scooter in Miami, holding on tight, with tall palms going past us.

All is gone. There is only a cool breeze outside, nothing more.

It is apparent I can’t get over this pain. He never acknowledged what he did to me. I had hoped that there would be a small bit of his heart left to understand the pain he has caused me. I am unable to get past this pain to save my life. No apology even if it meant it might give me a small fighting chance to heal in some way. Every last bit of sentiment destroyed – it was a senseless sacrifice. My heart cannot endure this, no matter how hard I try. And I know when I die, he wouldn’t care one bit, because somehow he feels I have wronged him instead of the other way around. When I die, he would not flinch one bit. If one does not care in life, why would in death?

When I was about 18, I almost drowned. A bunch of us had snuck into the outdoor pool of a hotel to go swimming in the night. In the pool, a friend playfully came toward me humming the theme of Jaws. Laughing, I backed into the deeper ends of the pool without realizing it, and being a poor swimmer, I panicked and went under. I remember my lungs hurting as I breathe in the water. I tried frantically to swim back up, but was unable to. As I looked up from the bottom of the pool, I can see a light, the glowing light of an over head lamp post by the pool. I seemed to have succumbed to a very possible death at this point. My lungs did not hurt anymore, I felt quite calm. It was peaceful. I did get the feeling of seeing my life flashing before my eyes. Then in one swift moment, one of my friends grabbed me and pulled me out of the water.

Anyway, I know very well I am unable to get past this pain, and because of this pain, I cannot endure the very challenging things in my life. I can’t cope with how much he has hurt me. It debilitated me. I am unable to fight. There are just things in my life that I cannot endure. I am defeated in every way. If these walls could speak.

I hope in the end, I can see light, and this light will guide me home, where my soul will be cleansed of this hurt and I can be brand new in every way.