Closer Than Ever

I think the root of the problem is that I haven’t got a reason to live.

Everybody else does, for everybody’s got that one special someone, special hobby, or special band. Sure, I listen to some bands and I have a few friends and hobbies, but it’s never enough.

Let me tell you something; being depressed, it’s obvious. There is a kid in my math class, and he often asked if I was depressed and suicidal and gave me hugs all of the time. Keep in mind that this kid is rather odd and dramatic. Most people just think him annoying, but I was fairly decent friends with him, if I must say so myself.

Anyways, I haven’t got a reason to live, and that’s my problem. I used to be content enough to keep trudging along, though if I was on the verge of death I wouldn’t do anything to stop it. Now I’m fed up. I DO NOT HAVE A REASON TO LIVE. Why can’t I just die already?

So now I suppose I’ve found my way out, eh? Perhaps a couple swallows of pills will do the trick. Oh look at me, breaking down at the keyboard. I don’t care. I’ve cracked for the final time.

I suppose I ought to mention people now, hum? Tell my tale of how I got to be this bad. Well, I’d feel like I was writing a book, hm?

But alas, this is my suicide note, after all. I suppose I ought to tell it all.

–

First off- Matthew. Matt, I can’t say what I feel is love, after all I’m only a teenager. How could it be possible that a teenager fall in love? Absolutely preposterous. (Hint the sarcasm.) Anyways, I fell for you on the first day of school this year. Yes, I knew who you were beforehand so I suppose it wasn’t “love at first  sight.” I knew. I knew that I would fall for you. I knew I would date you. However I DID NOT KNOW THAT EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS LATER I’D STILL BE HEAD OVER HEELS FOR YOU. Despite the utterly awful way you’ve been treating me- ignoring me, insulting me, plain out telling me to go away- I can’t help but feel the ghost of the boy I knew. I KNEW. I’m not only saying that ironically because hopefully I’ll be dead by the time this is ever read by anybody I personally know, but also because I KNEW who you were, Matthew. And I’ll tell you, you are not a mean spirited boy. You are a sweet, funny boy that I could tell anything to. Hell, I could be pouring this all out to you if you hadn’t fucked up. Splendid job, am I right? Is that what you want? Do you want praise for all of the pain you’ve caused me? You’ve brought me to the brink, you… *****! Ah, it feels oh so nice to get that off of my chest. I’ve never cussed so much on a public forum for years. Matt, I had high hopes for you, my friend. I thought perhaps we’d date for a long time, several months is a long time to a teenager these days, then we’d have a peaceful breakup and continue being friends. In a way, that ending did happen, at least for a couple days. Do you remember that long ass paragraph you sent me when we broke up? Funny, we broke up directly after a week had passed. I didn’t even get my first kiss with you. Do you know how disappointed that was? At least we did have a chance to hold hands once. Do you remember that? It was at the first dance of the year, the only one held outside. From now on I’ll forever and always associate the warm weather with you, meaning I’ll forever be depressed until the summer, and then I’ll actually really lose it. Perhaps it’s best that I’m doing away with myself in early spring, so I don’t have a chance to lose it like that. I’m not sure what I would do to myself, something worse than suicide.

Matthew, I think it’s safe to say at this point that I love you. And I’m sorry. I apologize to the moon and back. I’m sorry. I’ll never be that obsessive, control freak girl who scares you on a daily basis ever again. (Your words, remember?)

I think I’ve brushed off Matt. What could possibly be next? Why don’t I just pick off from the list? Second. My mother, my father, and my step-father. Way to make me feel like a failure! What were you looking for, applause? The Best-Parent-of-the-Year Award? Well, I’d hate to burst your bubble, but that isn’t  what you’re in here for! Rather, you’re in here for the exact opposite, really. Thanks for making me feel like shit day after day! A couple days ago (today is March 30th, 2014, btw) me, my best friend, my dad, my sister, and my brother went to your house, remember? We had to pick up a few things, right? Well, I went to my room and grabbed my makeup being, seeing as I had forgotten it, and thought to myself hey, why don’t I do my makeup real quick before I leave? It’ll be grand. Yeah, some grand idea. I had done my makeup and went back downstairs, feeling rather pretty for once. Oh but no. I can’t feel pretty, ever. Do you remember what happened? Well, you yelled at me for my grades, and then mr. step-dad told me my makeup was too thick, looking at me with distaste, like I was ugly. Well, you know what step-dad? I believe you. I am fucking ugly and I will never forget. And Mom? I know I’m stupid. I know it. I’ve got A’s and B’s in all my classes except history, and in that class I have a whooping F. My math class has dozens of missing assignments. I know I’m stupid, that I don’t know anything. You haven’t got any reason for throwing that fact in my face, you know? You three make me feel so low all the time.  Like I can’t achieve anything in life. That I think I can sing, I think I can write, but you’d better do well academically. Well, I want to drop out of school. I want to so badly. The people and the grades all suck. Everyone can fuck a duck, for I don’t frankly care.

So there’s Matt and my parents.

What about my body? Well, I’ve been gaining weight and obviously I don’t like it. My legs are fat, as are my arms and stomach. And my collarbones don’t stick out enough. My thigh gap isn’t prominent either. I’m fat. I’m 4’10” and 3/4 and I weight like 94. You know, one day I weighed myself and I was 89. Do you know how thrilled that made me? I was absolutely, undeniably happy.

I want to feel that happiness again.

But it’s too late.

So goodbye.