i don’t understand…

many times have i told myself that i will succeed in life and be a good person but there’s that voice in my head that bullies me from day in and day out. “you’re no good.”,”that girl is laughing at you right now for being such a retard.”,”Why are you even alive?” questions just flow through my head like nothing. i don’t understand how people expect me to succeed academically when i cant get my mind straight. I get it that school should be my only focus right now but at the same time how can i focus when i have therapy after school, bullies through out the day, being yelled at for no apparent reason? Sometimes i run off to the basement when my mom isn’t looking. I’ll lock myself in a room and blast music, cry myself to sleep, i even cut myself just to release stress. I just can’t take it anymore that cutting is just my only outlet. I don’t have much force in my body to cry much longer. I’ve dealt with this for over 7 years since my dad left. He beats me, throws beer bottles at me, calls me a disgrace, a low life. Before he left, he told me that in the future i will end up pregnant and my brothers will join a gang. Is that what a parent is supposed to vision for their children? Is this his way of showing that he loves us? What does this all mean?….