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I gave up…

by Engeltje

So I haven’t been here on SP for 1,5 month I guess. It’s because I’m doing really bad. In that time I quitted school, had an intake with 2 mental health institutions, going to start therapy next week, got a cat (it’s really a sweetheart and I’m so glad my parents agreed with a pet), and yeah, the only thing I do is sleeping and sitting. Not going outside anymore, see nobody. Actually I have no life anymore. And the thing is: I don’t give a f*cking shit, I don’t care.

Last week, I grabbed my knife and started to cut, made a cut on my wrist, right there on my vein. And the blood flowed down my wrists, and I could see my vein, but I wasn’t brave enough to cut into my vein. Now, I really wished I did, because I really don’t want to live anymore. What is living, when you are already dead inside?

I think I gave up…


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Bipolar American 3/11/2014 - 6:36 pm

You need to finish school then get enrolled in a University. Upon all your hard work you can get a demanding job which will pay you the minimum amount to exist. With any luck, you can maintain that career until you put in you 40 years of work. Then you can enjoy a limited retirement as your body breaks down. Plenty of time for reminicing over your amazing life. And praise God throughout every leg of it.

Engeltje 3/12/2014 - 7:06 am

@Bipolar American,
Wished my future looked like that… I live in the Netherlands, and things go a bit different here. No normal school wants to have me, because I ‘don’t fit in’ and I have autism, and because I’m 18 they have the right to refuse me. So they told me to go to a special school. But there are not much special schools for my educationlevel in my area. Only 3 (and they are already 1,5 hours to 2 hours of traveling by train and bus) and 2 of them have no place for me, they are ‘full’ and one of them has not the same lessons as I have had, so I can’t go to that one either. So that means I have no school for this year and probably next year (or there must happen a miracle) which means I can’t graduate, so no certificate. But IF there was a school I could go to, I still wonder if I could accomplish that. And even IF that would happen, I still couldn’t go to University, because I have a to low educationlevel for University. And the chance is small I would get a job with that but also because I’m already in the paymwnts or benefits, don’t know what it’s called, but I get money because I can’t work bevause of my autism and several physical issues. So my future doesn’t look that bright… Wished it does.

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