life is a four letter word

I have finally realized that pain and suffering are human emotions along with hate envy greed lust depression lots of fealings that can drag a person down and everyone searches for love and happyness but in the corrupt world we live in that’s all it is a search dose anyone find the real thing anymore in life the thing for me is what is love my mom told me she loved me once but her actions were to loud to here what she said she gave me to the state and abandoned me with nothing is that love now I’m older I’ve tried to move forward but every time I let someone in they just remind me why I hate so much I’ve been cheated on lied to pushed aside for drugs and lost so much to addiction yet never been a addict myself its tireing I have no one and nothing I grew up broken and mad so never did anything with my life and I’ve tried  to do things to change but people live what they learn all I know is how to leave and I’ve given up looking for happyness its an illusion life is explained by being alive but if your not alive how do u live perhaps I’m meant to hurt but everyone says that’s  not meant for anyone I wish death was a option so I  could just chose to exist no more the things I feel are  so complicated I worry that if I tryed suicide with  my luck I’d end up living threw it and just suffer  more in life I made attempts on my own life in the  past only to wake in a hospital someone always  finds me ( when I was younger I tryed hanging  myself from a tree In the woods behind my house I  don’t remember being saved my neighbor found me while looking for his dog I’ve cut my wrist but that’s not as lethal as most think I passed out and woke up in the ward strapped to a bed I’ve been ready to go for 20 + years now I live recklessly and run my mouth to anyone in hopes 1 day I’ll meet the wrong person and they will fix things for me its been a long time to feel this way and I’m tired of waiting for my end the worst part is now I don’t even try I just want it all to end