like a nightmare

I just can’t do this. I keep trying and trying to just BEAR IT but I can’t.

I can’t bear it. Is this really what’s going to finish me off? THIS is going to be the reason my life ends? Over someone who doesn’t love me? That is one of the stupidest, most childish and facile things I have ever heard and yet it’s my life, it’s happening to me, I never thought in all these years struggling to stay alive with my disorder, praying sometimes I’d wake up in the morning, the loneliness, the money, jobs and time (so much time) all lost, the defeats repeated hundreds of times over, the physical and mental pain, and I never gave up, I ALWAYS wanted my life…

and now I don’t, I can’t. I feel so dirty and cheated and just crushed, all the hope has gone out of me, I can’t live without him in my life, in one way or another, I don’t care if it’s as my partner or my friend (hell, I think as a friend would be better really) I JUST NEED HIM BACK GOD PLEASE YOU COULD END ALL THIS YOU COULD GIVE ME BACK THAT HOPE JUST WITH THIS ONE THING THIS SIMPLE THING PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

The horror keeps swimming up in me… it feels like a nightmare. It can’t be real- but it is. Oh God it is. I can’t live with it, I try to tell myself to fight but I can’t, there’s nothing to fight for. Nothing matters.

I was so lonely and so closed off from life. All the normal things you go through as you grow up, I never really experienced. So often in pain, completely obsessed, often looked at with disgust or incomprehension or exasperation; why can’t she JUST BE NORMAL??? I didn’t mind… I was so sure what was waiting for me would be worth it, that every miserable wasted day would be worth the sacrifice because I WANTED MY LIFE…

And it’s gone. It’s gone; you see, he was what I was waiting for all that time. He was the only thing that made up for it. He was the colour and the warmth and the incentive in my world and there was never a moment I wasn’t grateful he was there, I’m not just throwing that phrase around, I was so happy and so grateful. The emptiness was full.

Then, gone. I had it so briefly, so very briefly I don’t feel it was really mine. I meant shit to him. I hate myself for it and I… I don’t know if I hate him but I’m so angry, so fking hurt, so humiliated, I can hardly bear to write it but he found someone he liked better, they were together within two weeks, the thing that meant a new start and, well, salvation for me was just appropriated so easily by someone who… oh God, she’s awful, awful, I don’t want that to be true but she is, I can’t bear it, he’s gone and it’s been so long now, I have tried for so long but the pain, it won’t stop, it just won’t stop, I was so empty and just for the littlest while I knew what it was to live without the emptiness, then it was ripped away and now I have the emptiness AND the unendurable grief.

And this is what I stayed alive for?

It’s not suicide if I go back to the disorder and let it run it’s course… but I don’t even feel I can do that. It was such hard work fighting it, it would be like a kind of denial. I won’t die forcing myself to be in denial.

I just can’t find a solution. I can’t bear this agony. I can’t. Christ, I don’t even know how to get through the next five minutes I just can’t, please God, all I can do is pray and pray and pray and pray that somehow this ends oh God it has to end this nightmare has to be over over over oh God please