I’m entirely new to this.
I’m 23, and for as long as I can remember, things haven’t been quite right. Â It’s not sadness, there’s no apparent cause for the way that I feel, nothing that makes me a particularly high “risk” for suicide, that is obvious from the sheer facts of my life. Â I was beaten and generally abused as a child, but I feel at peace with that and have reconciled with the offender. Â But, there’s this ever-present feeling of not-being. Â This sense that I’m watching myself live, that I’m a passive spectator in all the things my body does, the words I speak, the thoughts I have. Â I was counselled for it when I was a child. Â I used the phrase, “It always feels like I’m in a dream”, and it seems apt enough. Â During college, it was slightly easier. Â I self-medicated using anything I could find. Â It started out with pain killers, opiates and Tramadol especially, both of which soothed me. Â I moved on to hallucinogenics, starting with DXM from Coricidin, then to LSD when I could get my hands on it, then to Ketamine. Â The disconnect I felt when I was on Ketamine seemed to mirror my dispersonalization, but rather than intensify it, it comforted me. Â It was meant to be like that. It was normal and I felt normal.
My days after the Ketamine supply in the area went dry were difficult and the floating sensation grew ever-more intense. Â Uppers dulled the sensation. Â By making my brain unable to keep up with itself and my body, by rendering it incapable of realizing what I was thinking, I felt truly free. Â I was always doing and always moving and always distracted.
But, that’s gone now, if even only from a lack of the funds to keep up with my habits. Â So, I’m back to the beginning.
Like I said, there is no hopeless, external predicament, no set of dire and inevitable consequences that makes me determined to escape them by any means necessary. But this constant feeling is overwhelming. Â It leaves occasionally, gives me some leave and lets me feel okay, but it’s always takes a short stay wherever it goes. Â And, like a week long vacation during a particularly trying time, the airy, light sensation that I get when it’s gone only seems to emphasize by contrast the dense, exhausting feeling when it returns.
Socializing helps. Â Friends help. Â Any kind of distraction helps. Â But those are hard to come by. Â And, the moment I’m alone again I disconnect.
I’m not looking for help, necessarily, but I am looking for some answers.
1. Â Is there anyone out there that has similar sensations? Â How would you describe them to somebody? How do you cope?
2. Â I’m currently involved in a relationship, and I haven’t spoken to her about my feelings and my tendencies. Â I want it to end, but I feel an intense need to care for her and to not put her through anything traumatic. Â What are your opinions on an individual’s suicide when they have responsibilities to others?
3. Â I’m not averse to pain, and my plan was death by exsanguination. Â Does anybody have any relevant experience with this method? Â How deep do the wounds have to be (I know the whole “down the road, not across the street”)? Â What is the easiest artery to reach with this method, and what kind of sharp edge would be best? Â I was planning on taking blood thinners before hand to increase the speed of blood loss and decrease my chances of recovery, would basic aspirin work for this? Â If I am unsuccessful, what kinds of long term effects would I have to look forward to?
Thank you for any help or response you have.
10 comments
See a psychiatrist and try antidepressants / anxiolytics. I had a long bout of derealization/depersonalization while working in a high-stress job several years ago, and how you describe it is very similar to what I experienced at the time. Lots of fly-on-the-wall perspectives, like I was watching myself through a CCTV camera and everything seemed like a movie – surreal and dream-like. Meds helped immensely, but there’s no way of telling whether they’d help you or not until you know. Just my $0.02.
200 mg Seroquel and 5 mg Haldol
I’ve always been deathly afraid of being medicated. It changed my mother’s personality immensely. Did you generally act the same after you started your meds? Of course, it would change the way you felt, but did your personal, social, and professional relationships remain the same?
@Bipolar American
Is that what you were prescribed for something similar? What kind of side effects did you have?
When you’re not really ‘in the body’, when objects and persons of reality are without there physical relation, when feelings are kind of heady – this is what Laign called the schizoid condition. The best cure is body work and meditation, yoga or progressive muscle relaxation.
I have taken neuroleptics (risperidon, olanzapin) and antidepressants (citalopram). I felt totally cut off from myself. I would only recommend you ataractics as the last option.
I don’t get positive results from meds personally. I would be a horrible candidate for placebo due to the fact I do not start out with a positive outlook on the effectiveness of pharmaceuticals. There’s reasons that drug companies are developing new crops of pills every year…..none of them work, keep coming back!
?
I’d be more positive if I had genuine results.
There’s also a reason the drug manufacturers have a HUGE lobbying presence on Capitol Hill. Money, money, money…
From the Wikipedia entry:
“Critics of the pharmaceutical lobby argue that the drug industry’s influence allows it to promote legislation friendly to drug manufacturers at the expense of patients. The lobby’s influence in securing the passage of the Medicare Prescription Drug Improvement and Modernization Act of 2003 was considered a major and controversial victory for the industry, as it prevents the government from negotiating prices with drug companies who provide those prescription drugs covered by Medicare. As a result, 61 percent of Medicare spending on prescription drugs is direct profit for pharmaceutical companies.”
“The high price of U.S. prescription drugs has been a source of ongoing controversy. Corporations claim the high costs are the result of pricey research and development programs, while critics point out, in addition to the industry’s profits, the high proportion of pharmaceutical budgets devoted to marketing and lobbying. According to Marcia Angell, the former head of the New England Journal of Medicine, “The United States is the only advanced country that permits the pharmaceutical industry to charge exactly what the market will bear.”
That doesn’t solve the problem that I have a mood disorder thats not being treated. And the meds that are used to treat what I have are nearly endless in their abundance. But I can honestly say I’ve tried about everything you can throw at my condition. End result: still depressed and I have no logical reason to be in such a state.
It’s frustrating because all the manuals say bipolar is treatable. So when nothing is working, you get one response….”Are you taking your meds?” which is followed up by,”well, you just need to find the correct combination.”
I don’t enjoy the daily struggle enough to keep searching for what works.
@amity: Self medicating with the drugs you’ve been using will change your personality to a similar extent as psychiatric meds would. The two categories are arbitrary – both affect neurochemistry to yield a predictable result – they’re all different, too.
@amity: Sorry – to answer your question, my relationships did stay roughly the same, but how I felt changed and that of course had an impact on how I related to people and situations I found myself in. In my experience, it was for the better, though.