I was born in broken home. My father was an alcoholic. He is clearly a psychopath without having any sense of empathy. While being alcoholic he tried to kill my mother. She born me sometime around that. She compensated her broken marriage with me, she got me emotionally overattached. She made me sexually uncomfortable by talking about sex. She severely abused me.  Once a week she was crying, screaming, shouting at everyone. She was coming to me and saying things I couldn’t even remember. She made me cry and she didn’t stop there, she just kept going and going. She was screaming she was going to kill me. I was so scared. Funny thing, she always was relieved and happy almost immediately after that.
I was told I was smart. I learned reading and writing at 3. I was very good at maths. Anyway, school broke me down. Firstly, because of rendundacy in teaching. I couldn’t go ahead. I couldn’t develop myself, but maybe it’s not the case. Secondly, I couldn’t relate to people, I was so scared of them. I have to have sense of control while talking to them.
My aunt is MD, PhD and she helped my older brother out. She gave him guidance. She bought him flat. He is now in well-established position. But she treated my like a burden. She told me that ‘I am just like my father’. Probably I am. Basically, all my life I was told to shut the fuck up.
I have to be extremely good with lots of obssessive thoughts or I cease to do anything at all. Plus, I was almost all my life internally disconnected. It’s like crippling emptiness. I was thinking about it as a Asperger’s but turns out I don’t have it. With everything I do I feel pain feeling up my mind.
I admired suicide since I remembered. I remember having panic attacks as a child. When I got to high school, hell broke loose. I got into panic attacks, I ceased to go to school, all that pain was too much. My mother was still abusing me. I tried to kill myself like 2 times. But it was impulsive and obviously unsuccessful. I was at mental ward. Plus, I tried studying at university 3 times and was unsuccessful. I am 3 years behind. I simply couldn’t stand pain and perfectionism. I used to love to study, not anymore.
Now I finally realized how fucked up my life is, and have no future in this economy. I wanted to be scientist or doctor, but I won’t manage. All the other jobs are too pointless and painful for me.
Now I ceased to go out of bed for 3 months. I eat only delivered food, I cannot even throw thrash out. I breath in air filled with mold. I don’t even wash myself anymore.
I have no emotions.
I don’t think I have reasons to live. I want to drown my life into emptiness. There is part of me that wants to live, but I want to destroy it, want to go into alcoholism to increase my chance of suicide.
3 comments
Dear crvalid2,
I know you feel like life is not worth living. And im not going to tell you it is, i dont even know who you are. Im not going to try to bullshit you with any advice about my life story or religion or advice that everyone in your life has told you. What i will tell you is that things can turn around. Im telling you this from personal experience. When i was 12 i watched my father strangle my mother to death. When i was 16 both my brothers were murdered in a gang shooting. I lived in an orphanage till i was 18, and was homeless till i was 23. if you think your life is so shitty and that you want to give up, think about the people that have it worse. Nobody said it was easy. Nobody promised you that everything would be okay. When youre ready to change your attitude towards life, boy will you be in for a surprise.
“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”
Are you going to challenge adversity, or are you going to sulk and complain?
I’m not going to tell you how life is worth living, because then I’d just be a hypocrite. You’ve made it this far, you’re strong no matter how weak you feel. As minutes go buy I picture myself ending my life in some of the most terrifying ways, but I feel so useless… Do whatever you feel like you need to do, I won’t try to talk you out of ending your life, because it would be as ineffective as you trying to talk to me out of it. Just hold on as long as you can, maybe the future holds something great for you…
P.S Never let anyone.. I mean ANYONE, tell you that the things you’ve been through are nothing. Everyone is different, and just because two suicidal people haven’t been through the same things doesn’t mean one has it worse than another.
I’m in… well, starting to come out of — the never leave your room, bathe, do anything mode… I’ve been a hardcore hermit for 3 months and suicidal too. So, I’m sorry, and I feel you.
I can’t tell you what to do to “make it better” but I want to give you a few ideas… have you ever visited the Sates? If you wanted to, you could get a summer job at a national park in the USA and make some cash. Those jobs are really easy to get and a lot of fun.
I find making myself learn something new can be really cool too — like, I’ve been studying how to play poker. It really is a complex, very difficult, very cool mental sport. If you like in Europe, you can play on pokerstars for free and maybe even make some money. Yeah, poker is really therapeutic for me.
Also, I smoke weed, which I think really helps with getting through the day and even feeling motivated to do stuff. But I think it sort of makes life a lot more livable – really.
Just some ideas dude. It sounds like you’ve had a really rough life, and need to have a couple of good breaks and maybe some fun. Take care.