My Near Suicide Attempt from the book I wrote about it, and my recovery

Recently, I spoke to a Mom that told me a very sad statistic about her son’s high school.

She said that 3 teenage boys had taken their own lives in 3 years!

I felt deep sorrow about this situation not only because of the loss of 3 precious lives, but also because I, too, have struggled with depression.

And, I, too have been tempted strongly to attempt suicide.

In this excerpt from the introduction of my book: The “Mentally ill” Mentor: Practical Principles for Achieving and Maintaining Balance in Your Life, I explain my heart-wrenching experience in greater detail.

Here it is, word for word from my book (If you’d like a copy you can find it on Amazon.com).  

 

Introduction

 

SO, WHAT EXACTLY IS A MENTOR?

The dictionary defines a Mentor as: A wise and trusted counselor or teacher.

If wisdom comes from experience, I guess you could say I have a lot of it. 

But the kind of experience I have is much different than nearly all of the people that currently advise you on what to do about your

struggle with a Mental Illness.

You see, unlike nearly all of them, I have actually been there. 

I have actually felt the shame and lived through the sorrow. 

I have actually shed the tears and felt the desperation. 

I have actually kept on going when everything

inside me said it was time to just give up.

As much as your doctor, your therapist, your social worker, your spouse, your brother or sister, your mother or father, your best friend or whomever it is, may love and care about you – they just don’t know how you feel.

I do.

MY TRUE STORY

Fresh out of a “real-for-real” Mental Institution after a bizarre trip to Nevada in search of “The” Jessica Simpson, I was sure my life was over.

Not only had I been officially diagnosed with a “debilitating” Mental Illness, but I had no job, no money, no self-esteem and no desire to go on living.

As the painful days following my hospitalizations turned into weeks and then months, I struggled just to get out of bed each day. 

I hated myself for that, and for the fact I was neglecting my responsibilities as a husband,a father, and a provider. 

I also hated the fact that my future seemed

even more hopeless and dark than the present.

Back then, during every waking moment, hard, cruel questions would swirl around in my confused mind – questions like: How am I ever going to provide for my wife and our three young children? 

How long can I endure barely being able to pay the rent and put food on the table? 

What if I let my Mental Illness get out of control again? 

How long will my wife, Aimee, be able to put up with me before she resorts to divorce?

NOW OR NEVER

Unable to answer these questions, I finally came up with the perfect solution.

Although I had tried to put the almost constant thought out of my mind for months, I finally decided that taking my own life would be the most appropriate way to deal with the overwhelming shame and hopelessness I felt.

After all, how could someone officially diagnosed with a Mental Illness and who had spent time in mental institutions in two different countries on three separate occasions, ever make it in the world?

I still remember clearly the day when I realized it was now or never.

My wife, our two young children and our new baby were at a birthday party. 

I knew I could leave an “explanation letter” on the front door,which only she would be able to read. 

The children would never see my dead body, and in the long run they wouldn’t even remember me. 

Not only would my wife be relieved of me – the biggest burden of her entire life – she would finally be provided for financially by a life insurance policy I knew included suicide.

 

But as I pictured it in my mind’s eye –actually walking downstairs,loading my gun, putting it to my head and pulling the trigger – something or someone stopped me. 

From deep within my soul I felt a faint ray of

hope, a feeling that I was worth something and that my life was worth living.

A CRY FOR HELP

Instead of being worried that I would be bothering my wife, or that her friends at the birthday party would think I was some kind of crazy, unemployed nut, I called her up and begged her to come home. 

When she finally arrived, I cried like a baby as I poured out the feelings of my heart to her.

It was in that moment I realized for the first time that major, immediate, sweeping life change was no longer a matter of preference for me. 

It had become a matter of life and death.

As much as I wanted to continue to blame my childhood, my marriage,my failed businesses and all the people around me for the bottomless emotional pit that held me captive, doing so would only be continuing the lie I had unknowingly been telling myself for years.

It would be feeding the very thing that had brought me to this point in my life. 

It would perpetuate the deadly cycle that I was just beginning to realize I was in.

The fact was, I had finally hit absolute rock bottom. 

And although I was in excruciating emotional pain, I was still around to talk about it.

Somehow, through a literal miracle, I had resisted my terrible temptation.

And from that point on, I realized that I had nowhere to go but up.

While I was full of fear and anxiety, I also knew that somehow, someday – against all odds – I would finally reach the top, crawl out, and declare victory.

As I re-read my own writing now, I am in tears.

Reading this brought me back to a very dark time in my life – one that I will never repeat.

If you read and identified with what I have written, I plead with you to get the help you need.

You, too, a person of great worth and value.

And you, too, are far above writing yourself off.

You have family, friends, school and work associates and people you may not even be aware of that love and care about you and would be absolutely heartbroken if you were to take your own life.

And, as someone who can identify with how you feel, know that I care about you as a fellow human being – a brother – and I know, from personal experience, that you can get through this!

If you are in crisis right now, I urge you to talk to someone you love or call a Suicide Hotline in your area.

I promise you, from personal experience, that as dark as your world feels right now, things WILL get better.

You CAN do it.

Hang on and don’t give up, and one day you will be very, very grateful you did.

Until Tomorrow,

Dave