Shut up just shut up

i think people do stuff like that in an attempt to feel relevant, important, and connected to the world. It’s also probably partly motivated by wanting to maintain an image of “worldliness.”

“hey, look at me, i’m aware of stuff happening in the world, and have adopted the commonly accepted view of it, and proceeded to pass it off as my own opinion, as if i actually had even a single original thought in my head!”

yeah, i may have expressed an incomplete perspective on the matter.

What i mentioned above is also partly rooted in insecurities. Were those people secure (in whatever relevant way), they wouldn’t need to discuss things like that… fights in which they have no dog.

The part that bothers me about situations similar to the aforementioned, is that it’s entirely contrived and superfluous. I have a hard time articulating exactly what it is that bothers me so much about such things… but it does bother me, involuntarily.

And that’s another one of those things people always do: you try to make it seem as if i am simply “being negative,” when in fact, i am attempting to express that something is bothering me, and further, to articulate it well enough so that the problem is effectively communicated, so that, hey, other people might be able to help me with solutions, or even realize they should correct themselves.

But no, instead, i get “omg you’re so negative!” But i’m “negative” because people constantly do stuff that fucking bothers the shit out of me, and then they act like i’m creating problems, when all i’m trying to do is stop the problem which they are participating in causing and perpetuating.

I’m not like “you people.” Ignoring problems doesn’t work for me. It still bothers me just as much, if i don’t say anything that allows you to know about it.

It’s absurd and asinine that people tend to have a problem with me having any problem with anything about them. And yet, people treat me like garbage, and i’m not allowed to have a problem with that? Fuck that. Fuck everyone! Except those who treat me fairly, as though i were also a valid human being. I always give fairness where deserved. I even try to initiate it, when something could go either way.

And you know, you’re actually wrong. I’ve tried curbing my self-righteousness, and all it does is allow people to think i lack confidence or an insecure about any particular issue. I will not yield unless i think i should. If i’m right, i’m right, and you’re going to hear about it.

“Sometimes when I’m having an anxiety attack every little thing sets me off for no reason and it’s not what people are talking about that bothers me, it’s hearing their voices when I just wish they’d be quiet. And other petty things like people fidgeting or chewing their gum loud or clicking their nails on a hard surface just makes me super nervous and I just want to yell at them. I don’t know. I just don’t want to snap on someone when they don’t deserve it at all.”

I get this often, sometimes so intensely that i can’t handle it.

I try as hard as i can to ignore it, but it just doesn’t work, and i find myself sitting there on the verge of a psychotic break. I often wonder if my internal disturbance is actually visible to them, and they’re just testing me to see how far they can push, or maybe even hoping i’ll snap and give them an excuse for whatever… but in those worst moments of agitation spikes, it takes every last drop of restraint that i can muster, to not FLIP THE FUCK OUT on people, who often do seem to almost do what they know bothers me, intentionally, just to make me more miserable, because they know the consequences for snapping would be even worse. I think they actually enjoy tormenting me… but that i’m not supposed to notice, or they think i don’t notice.

I keep trying to tell myself they’re not doing it on purpose… and then i end up caught up in this ridiculous passive-aggressive “one-upsmanship,” which is just… man… i’ve had enough… a long ass time ago. I can’t take it anymore, but i have no other choice.

@SB: way to jump on the wrongwagon.

@gillian: oh look, once again, someone is framing this false character they’ve created to make me look like something i’m not (can you say “scapegoat?”). I’m so shocked.

In case you hadn’t noticed, when i’ve clarified this multiple times, i’m not an absolutist.

“There is always an exception; even to this rule.”

YOU are the one using the word “ALL,” not me.

You’re just full of shit, and that’s all there is to say. I’m not going to gratify your ridiculous argument (most of which is purely vitriolic accusation and insult) with a thorough response.

Why should i veil my insults?

How could you possibly believe that you know how i interact with people in my personal life?

I don’t pretend to be superior. When i am, i am; when i’m not, i’m not. I’m rarely ever wrong, and when i am, it’s always a matter of lack of information, and never a cognition impairment.

I haven’t taken an IQ test in a very long time, but tested “above 160” as a child. I’m sure it’s much lower now, since standards have risen, and i’ve suffered depression for so long, and tried to smoke enough weed to dumb myself down so i’d be more compatible with “the masses.” Last i checked, i was still pretty sharp, and i’ve never thought i was perfect.

I DO have to be right all the time. There is nothing wrong with being right as often as possible. In fact, everyone should be right as often as possible. If everyone was always right, how much could possibly be wrong in the world?

Sure, i don’t have to be Bill Gates rich, or Brad Pitt gorgeous, but i’ll never even approach either of those leagues. And in case you hadn’t noticed, “women these days” do indeed have much higher standards than in the past (not saying they shouldn’t, just calling it what it is).

I know i don’t have to be “an Einstein.” Instead, i have to be a more successful Tesla, or a “the next Richard Branson.”

No one would want someone like me, unless i had *plenty* of material wealth. That’s the truth, whether i like it or not (obviously i dislike it). I’m not one of those lucky ones who doesn’t have to be rich or physically exceptional. You seem to forget (or disregard) that people like me actually exist… which seems to fit with your wildly erroneous misrepresentation of who you either actually think i am, or who you want to paint me to be.

I’ve never been a liar, except when it’s absolutely necessary. I hate lying, and i don’t do it if i don’t have to. I used to think that was one of my good features, but too many times i’ve seen situations where deception produces a much better result than honesty. I’m sure many would be much more pleased with “me,” if i were to simply say what i think you want to read. Then again, lots of people seem to despise that. Maybe it’s a mood thing.

“I don’t know who instilled this wrong vision in his head – that he needs to be better, more, stronger, above.”

Almost every girl i’ve ever liked, that’s who. Every employer i’ve ever had, as well (minus one).

I’ve never been good enough, in all the ways that matter. So, since i need to think some part of me has any value, i have to embrace the only part of me that’s still worth anything: my mind. But even that has limits, and i test them constantly. Sometimes i push too hard and feel like i might have a meltdown… and during those times, concentration becomes nearly impossible. It’s like doing endless brain-pushups. I can’t work my body that way anymore, because it got too messed up along the way.

Anyway, it’s all interconnected, and the word “ineffable” is accurate here. I’ve tried to explain how it’s all connected, but people like to claim i’m “inventing excuses,” whether they actually believe that, or are just trying to bother me.

I would never “invent” excuses to not do something to benefit myself. If i just didn’t want to do something, i’d say: “i just don’t really want to do that.” But in my case, it’s not just disinclination stopping me, it’s all the problems that lead to that disinclination, which will still remain as they are, regardless of my attitude.

“Yet can’t you see that is just going to make the maltreatment worse.”

No… at some point i had to draw the line. No further transgressions are allowed. Any further transgressions will be met with an equal or greater retaliation.

“The only one that can change that is you though.”

Nope. I can’t change other people, and neither can i allow them to cross that drawn line without consequences.

If it escalates into disaster, so be it. They are attacking my homeland without just cause, and i will no longer yield. I have yielded too much already.

You’re not taking my Alamo without a fight.

You back a wounded animal into a corner, don’t expect it to be nice to you.

“So to summarize – what you are saying is that you’d be fine just as long as you get lots of money and superficial pretty girls?

Is that what you call ‘tools and resources required’?”

No. You’re doing that framing and misrepresenting thing again… in case you hadn’t noticed.

“Because with all your lengthy complaints about life, university and everything, so far you haven’t specified exactly what it is that you can’t afford in any possible way so that you can feel better.”

Maybe i just don’t want to be that specific, so you can continue to misrepresent everything i would try to say? Plus, what are you going to do about it? What is anyone going to do about it? None of you are going to bother, or are even capable of solving any of my problems, so why should i extensively detail them all? Plus, there’s the fact that it’s all so convoluted, it’s just exhausting to try to exhaustively list (go figure) all the obstacles i have no way of overcoming or bypassing.

“Also, I did not call you negative…”

Pretty sure you did, or at least clearly insinuated it.

“All I said is you are deadset not to address anything, or look for workarounds…”

So, because i’ve already looked into everything that could hold efficacious potential, but found that none of it is applicable, or all of it is not possible for me to implement… you then resort to defining that as “i have refused to look for solutions or even address any problem.” This is the kind of shit i’m talking about! If that’s how you’re going to intentionally misinterpret everything, why should i give you details about my life? You have enough to go on, in presence of benefit of the doubt. If you won’t even give benefit of the doubt, where i’m uncomfortable sharing specifics, then what does that make you?

“…and that is partially because you are afraid of failure.”

This is just wrong and inaccurate on so many levels, i don’t even know where to begin.

Maybe you’ve never failed anything important in your life, or maybe your scenarios are always fair, and can be successfully navigated by just merely attempting to do so.

And then, there’s nothing actually wrong with being afraid of failure, when too much is at stake. I’m not going to risk more than i have, on any avenue which cannot be reasonably justifiably expected to result in both sufficient and sustainable gains. Wasting myself on the impossible is BAD, and i’ve already had enough of that. Nothing short of the minimum acceptable results, is worth any risk at all. It’s just not. And neither is even excessive gains worth any risk, if they are sought through means which are too risky, and too unlikely to produce desired results, and without costing too much of myself in the process.

It has nothing to do with being “afraid,” and everything to do with lack of access combined with too elevated personal requirements… not expectations, but requirements. I absolutely need more than i have any way of making. If you don’t have a way to solve that, then you are in no position to assert that i simply haven’t tried. A large part of why i CAN’T try, in many cases, is because i’m too damaged and continually disrupted by things i cannot change or control, and this prevents me from properly focusing or concentrating on the plethora of tasks required to advance. I simply cannot sustain pursuit, of anything. And in the absence of the possibility to get any of what i actually want, any of what would actually be worth the longest duration of sustained maximum effort i could manifest… i can’t manifest it. There is nothing worth putting myself through that much agony, which can actually be gained. Everything “worth that,” is out of reach, regardless of whether i could actually give my best efforts.

At this point, i seriously doubt you’re capable of understanding my problems, but all i can predict is that you will continually misrepresent them, because you just can’t stand the thought of a world that makes it impossible for some people to make use of what is potentially valuable or special about them. So you’d prefer to paint me as a bad guy or a quitter or a this or that or whatever, instead of facing the same reality i have no choice but to continue enduring until i die.

You have no idea what my motivations are, and yet you and your cohorts continually choose to insist that my motivations are either malicious or pathetic.

“*Get busy living or get busy dying* my god, make up your mind.”

Says who? You? lol… i don’t answer to you, young lady.

“You don’t want to live, you don’t want to die, you just want to feel sorry for yourself all day. It’s pathetic to see, to be blunt”

The only thing blunt here is your mind.

Let’s apply your own reasoning to you:

You are choosing to use a negative and needlessly overcritical interpretation, instead of an accurate or fair one, and then trying to make it seem like *I’m* the one being “obnoxious.” You are choosing to be a *****, which makes me want to do the opposite of whatever you say, or, when i know you’ll try to use reverse psychology, i’ll try to do neither of the two options in the false paradigm you attempt to impose upon me, as if i have to somehow comply with your absurd demands and appease you, just because you happen to have a vagina and an opinion.

It’s hilarious that you don’t even realize you’re doing exactly what i just explained to you, that you and others are always doing. Or maybe you do realize you’re doing it, and it’s not hilarious, because it’s malicious. I can’t know which, without access to understanding your motivations. So i can’t decide if you’re incompetent or malicious, but it’s either one or both.

It’s ironic that you think i should just shut up and suffer in complicit silence. That’s even less helpful than writing it out as it comes.

I honestly don’t care at all if you’re irrationally disturbed by my expressions. The only reason you keep trying to “come up” is because something is wrong with you. I try not to hold that against people, as long as they show fairness in not holding that against me. You just removed yourself from that list for the last time.

you seem awfully annoyed by something irrelevant that doesn’t concern you, for someone who claims not to listen to “the h8ers.”

People say things that are wrong, so i argue with them. It’s the lesser of two evils. If i don’t explain why they’re wrong, how will they ever know the difference? And if we just go around letting people be wrong, what kind of extended impacts do you think that will have upon the world? Look around, i’m sure you can find an example or two, where things could have been better, if only someone had known they were wrong.

But explaining is only half the problem: “words have only the power granted by their audience.”

If any of that stuff you say is true, you can simply choose not to be annoyed. Boom, problem solved, and no one else has to change anything at all.

@blip:

Yeah… i kinda doubt it.

Maybe they’re mad because they know i’d be fine if i had an enviable phallus, and that makes them confront a few unpleasant truths they maybe don’t want to accept.

Oh so now you’re mocking me for the way i was born?

And i’m supposed to consider your opinion valid?

lol.

@whatamidoinghere:

Kill yourself.

So a feminist perceives the world as a meat-market, in which anything that doesn’t stuff her belly or fill her void, is worthless?

How apt.

“CN deserves…”

Again, you leap to conclusions based on your own hypocritical and misguided prejudices, and stuff you just feel like imagining as if it were true.

You deserve a chance to be corrected, instead of being allowed to remain detrimentally wrong.

“says he who thinks the epitome of success is hot babes and money”

Not sure why you assumed and keep repeating that… unless you’re just blatantly trying to misrepresent my position and character, in order to try to “make me look bad,” for whatever reason you’ve concocted.

Never said anything about “hot babes.”

Money, on the other hand, is crucial.

i’d say elimination of unwanted influences is even more important than addition of desirable experiences.

But that would require quite a bit of money. It’s not “about the money” at all; it’s about what i would do with the money, which cannot occur without a substantial amount of it.

If i could eliminate all the shit i don’t want to ever encounter again, i would be pretty content with very little else. I’d still have longing and loneliness and desire for “things,” but it would be impossible for me to forget how valuable removing myself from “all that bullshit” would actually be. Then i could actually enjoy my solitude, as a preferred choice, instead of feeling afflicted by having it imposed upon me by lack of access to any viable solution.

feminism is intentionally misrepresented by its own proponents. We’ve been over this, and it’s documented elsewhere by people who don’t even know i exist.

feminism isn’t about equality or equivalence at all. You can keep insisting it is, but all the documented evidence is out there for everyone to see, and to continue clinging to a blatant misrepresentation of that ideal, is absurd.

What i hate is how “feminists” preach female superiority under the guise of “equality.” It’s bullshit. And saying i hate that, has nothing to do with denying any woman any rights.

But you “feminists” continue attempting to use the “appeal to popularity” fallacy, and try to gang up on everyone who sees through your false paradigm, because you know you can just pull out that vagina card and people will back you up, even if you’re wrong, because that’s the kind of privilege already afforded to most females, despite all their claims of alleged oppression (which WERE valid in the past, but are far less so in today’s world).

you’re also employing “argumentum ad nauseam,” in that you continually reiterate your same fallacious position. You keep insisting the definition of feminism is as stated by the doctrine, when in fact, it is not, and has already been shown, repeatedly, to be a gross misrepresentation of what feminism actually does, and actually promotes: “female superiority, under the guise of equality.” That is what’s real, and of course, i can see why none of you would want to admit that. But then you go around using that same sexism you accuse everyone else of, which makes you worse, because you’re decrying it while employing it, essentially demanding that only women be allowed such behaviors, but not men… therefore further polarizing the issue, and creating even more of a problem… and then perpetuating that problem, “ad nauseam,” thinking that you’ll get your way via attrition… even if your way is wrong. You insist, persist, and declare anyone who disagrees, an enemy, and then launch propaganda and psychological warfare upon your opposition.