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by Jay

missed work today and i hate myself for it. i couldn’t even call in, because i could not physically get out of bed to reach my phone. god dammit. what is wrong with me?
i am so damn sick and I can’t get the treatment that i need to get better. My current therapist is useless, and has misgendered me more than once. I can’t even go to a physical doctor without panicking that they’ll make me take my clothes off.
trying to treat one thing without the other things just isn’t working anymore. i dont’ even know what i need, but I need /something/. i’m so f-king sick. distracting myself so I dont’ take even more pills.

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The Koji 4/2/2014 - 7:17 pm

What feelings occur when people misgender you?

Are you insecure about your lifestyle choices or insecure about peoples judgment about your lifes choices.

Can you explain to me your sickness?
I really hope you respind and if you feel uncomfortable about answering it is ok and I understand.

dragonfly_whisper 4/2/2014 - 7:19 pm

I’m sorry today wasn’t a good one for you.

Also sorry about the gender struggles. So few understand (from what little I have learned from friends). It must feel awful lonely at times.

If you ever want a fresh take on things, Google SMART Recovery. I don’t go there much anymore, but it was a very important part of my life for awhile and gave me a new perspective on some things.

I hope tomorrow is a bit better for you.

Jay 4/2/2014 - 8:38 pm

dysphoria is a mismatch between the brain’s internal map of the body (how you know where your arms and legs are, how you know how wide/tall your body is, why you can touch your nose with your finger with your eyes closed) and the body’s physical reality. Gender dysphoria centers on the body’s sexed characteristics, which isn’t just the genitals but can also include the size of your hands, the sound of your voice, the shape of your shoulders and hips. It manifests in feelings of anxiety, distress, discomfort or disassociation. It’s not a “lifestyle choice”. It’s a medical, neurological condition. It is LITERALLY my brain going “these parts are not suppossed to be here, other parts are missing, WHAT IS GOING ON!?”.
I’m usually not thrown into a full-blown attack when strangers misgender me–it’s annoying, it makes me uncomfortable because I’m reminded of the body that they’re seeing, but they don’t know any better. My therapist SHOULD know better. She is well aware of my diagnosis, I talk about my dysphoria in every weekly session. And she still gets it wrong.

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