today it’s different. i dont actively want to destroy myself, to hurl myself off of something high or slice open my arms and bleed out. i just kind of don’t want to be alive anymore. i want to dissapear. or maybe go to sleep and never wake up. i’m sick of hurting. it’s like no matter what I do I can’t relieve this pressure. it builds and builds, and i can let off some of the steam but never enough to make it get any better. i’m just barely able to keep my head above water. i’m like a duck, nobody knows how hard i’m working just to keep afloat. just to stay in one place when the whole gravel mountain is slipping beneath my feet. it’d be so easy to just let go, but i don’t, and i don’t know why i don’t. maybe i’m just stubborn.