Contemplating suicide, deadline, 25.

I have had a plan since the age of 17 to commit suicide on the eve of my 25th birthday. However, as the years have passed by and my life has gradually declined into unemployment, heart break and despair I find myself contemplating my suicide earlier.

I am currently 22, turning 23 on the 15th April 2014.

I was blessed with being born to parents who had money through working from nothing to something. However, as is often the case, my Mother turned out to be an alcoholic and father, a control freak who smoked marijuana to control his tempers but which in fact made them worse.

I began to feel my depression aged 14. At age 16 I began to try the use of recreational drugs and alcohol. However, after attempting suicide in November 2009 (age 18) I realised alcohol and drugs would not only stop me from continuing a purposeful life but also stop me from completing my pact to enjoy life till age 25.

In November 2009 I took a mass amount of prescription sleeping tablets, pain killers, codeine and some alcohol. I spent three days and nights vomiting, coughing and excreting blood.

I have contemplated suicide many a time since then but have always found a reason not to.

Lately I have researched the helium exit bag which would only cost me $100NZD to assemble. I believe this would be the most painless and also the easiest way to go. However, three months ago I lost my job due to medical issues including depression, impacting on my work.

I have been looking and applying for all manners of work over those three months however, still have nothing. In addition, the girl I became close to over the last two years, decided she no longer wanted what we had (just before new years) and started dating someone else (who she slept with after a week and who broke her heart in doing so). However, being me I continued to have her in my life and she continued to use and sleep with me. Over the past three months she has been talking with a guy online and through txt who she “wants” and “likes”. Two years of friendship down the chain.

Anyway, back to the point.

Best friend (the girl) gone – Check.

Job gone – Check.

Father back to being over controlling – Check.

Mother back to being an alcoholic – Check.

Friends gone/scarpered – Check.

I am currently on Mirtazapine and Quentiapine although I have some Zopiclone too.

From research online I understand these are hard to overdose on however, my living on a main road and also having railway lines about 10 mins drive from my house could mean should I choose I could take all tablets then either walk in front of a truck or lie/sleep on the train lines. With that amount of medication I imagine I would black out anyway so pain as well as risk of failure would be minimised.

Anyway, hopefully this is my first and last post but should I not find peace through truck or train tonight I will return to the carpark building I use to sit in 4 years ago and should I choose, jump from its top.

I have written letters to all and have planned this numerous times so have many letters, each different. I hope with each letter a summary of what I wish them to understand may be created.

I will not say goodbye for I know I may fail however, I signed to this site last week after reading the last message of someone who never wrote another post so I assume they were successful in finding peace. I only hope that my sharing of this post to this website will allow others to understand that some people are just not cut out for life and no matter what they do, bad luck always brings them down. Not all depression can be solved.

To sign off,

Do not pity me for the choice I wish to make, do not hope I will fail.

You may believe if I kept on trying life will get better for me.

Maybe you are correct but 9 years has past since my depression began and it has been a rollercoaster of short and minimal highs followed by deep, below sea level, lows.

I hope I may find peace tonight and all of you whom seek it too may also find the courage to do so.

Good night.

MW