Fight or Flight.

A little about myself.

I’m a 24 year old male from the UK, and I have suffered with depression on an official basis since 2009 after a failed suicide attempt, it began in 2005 I think. I work in food retail (Don’t do it, it’ll make you want to kill people). And I’ve done it for over 5 years.

But what about the title I see you ask, why “Fight or Flight?”

Because I feel it’s the only two choices I’ve got left. See recently I returned to the workplace which was a huge contributing factor to my mental break down I had back in December 2013, the other factor was a house mate at the time who was… full of venom shall we say. I hope the man gets what he deserves, but that’s a different story.

Since then, the majority of people I know seem to have everything they ever wanted, love, marriage, money, “Happiness” in the most general sense Society loves to advertise the things to aim for. The worst part of it is it feels they are grinding it into my face, going “Look at me! I’m successful now!” And that’s all they do. Let alone the fact I was there for them when they were going through shit, when I was “Successful and happy”. I’ve been there, I didn’t let it get above me and my friendships at the time.

I had money, and a woman who I loved. But she turned out to be very good at emotional manipulation and when I understood it (I’m also Autistic, so I found it hard to click onto it). I ended the relationship. Because at the time my head was telling me to get out, I was a wreck at the end but it had to be done. I think it’s delaying the end, but we’ll see.

So these people, keep rubbing it in, “I just got £80,000 from a relative!” or “My life is sorted and now I’m married” or “Look at me and my long lasting relationship”…. These people, can go fuck themselves.

It doesn’t help I suspect I’m not entirely alone in my head, as strange as that sounds, I think (though it is not confirmed) I have two personalities. One is “me” so to speak, the other is a more vicious individual, a fighter, so to speak. Someone who strives to challenge himself, by combat. I used to know how it came about, but now I’m unsure because it suddenly feels more real. This is also something which absolutely no one else knows. I can’t quite word how to tell someone “So I might have another personality in my head who’s more violent, less caring, and ultimately see’s fighting and bloodshed as a means to an end”.

I’m currently overweight and in need of losing it, and gaining some form of muscle. But I lack the motivation to do anything. I am convinced it’ll go wrong like other things. Nothing I seem to do “Works” whilst every other fucker gets everything handed to them. And there’s me left there wondering “I worked for what I had, and you fucking get it for doing nothing, how the hell is that fair!”

But “Fight or Flight?”

I’ve got two choices.

Give in, become a different person, choose to fight but not as myself. And possibly lash out at people. Show the world (Or at least the people who make me feel like I shouldn’t exist), that I have “Died” and this is what you’ve brought upon yourselves. And no one can escape.
Or run. Just pack a bag, leave any way of contacting me behind and just fucking going for it. Any direction as long as it’s not here. I hate it, I despise it. I wish to get away and go somewhere where I can reinvent myself (Hell who doesn’t think this at least once?)

I am unsure if I can live through this, weather I actually commit suicide or I consign myself to unleashing this second personality. If it exists. I don’t think coming out of this unscathed and undamaged is a possibility. At least, there is no consideration I can come out of this better off. If I run (And succeed) I will be truly alone for a time. I won’t have anyone, nothing to fall back upon. If I let this personality out, then who knows what it can do, what it will do to people. It won’t take shit from others. It may even destroy them physically. I do not truly know.

It’s a long post, but someone needed to know. I might not exist as I currently am.