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I’m sorry, mom

I’m sorry, dad

I’m sorry, friends

I’m sorry, Family

I’m sorry, body

I’m sorry, mind

I’m sorry, teachers

I’m sorry, voice

 

I have failed all of you at one point… or every day.

Mom: I’m sorry I am not like my brother, I’m not made of gold and jewels. I am not skinny, smart, good looking, or good at anything. I am sorry I am failing school, I am sorry you are embarrassed to call me your daughter. I am sorry that you are ashamed to be in public with me because I am not thin like all the other girls. I am sorry I don’t do make-up and my hair, I am sorry I can’t be like them. I understand if you want me gone so you can stop looking at how much of a failure and hopeless waste I am. I am truly sorry I am not what you want me to be. I really am.

Dad: I am sorry I was born a girl. I am sorry that I am not good enough for you to love me as much as you should. I am sorry that I must be bad enough that you ignore me, and when you don’t ignore me, you criticize me. I am so sorry that I have failed you at not being your “perfect girl”……

Friends: I am sorry that I haven’t done my job. I am sorry that sometimes I try too hard to fit in and it shows and it embarrasses you. I am sorry that I am unsocial and have bad depression. I am sorry that there is no way of changing me into a thin, fun, and always happy girl… I am so so sorry. If I could change, I would.

Family: Mom and Dad, I already apologized to you. But to my brothers, I am sorry that I cause you stress and grief. I am sorry that I am not a fun little sister, I am sorry that I am hopeless and cause Mom and Dad stress. I am sorry that I can’t talk to you, I’m sorry that I can’t comprehend everything you say. I am sorry I can’t obey.

Body: I am sorry, I am sorry that you have scars. I am sorry that you have stretch marks. I am sorry that I have beaten and bruised you. I am sorry that you aren’t perfect. I am sorry that you are in pain so much, I am sorry that you have to deal with being the center of my harassment most of the time. I am sorry that you are full of lumps and bumps and mounds. I am sorry that you are being compared to every other girl’s body and are so different. I am sorry.

Mind: I am sorry that you are so screwed up. I am sorry that I have killed you. I am sorry that you have been lost and hurt so many times. I am sorry that you are filled with so much negativity. I am sorry that you are not being used properly and that you are underdeveloped. I am sorry that I put the wrong things on you and that I abuse you. I am sorry.

Teachers: I am sorry I can’t pass your classes. I am sorry that you are upset because I am not smart enough. I am sorry I get so many things wrong, I am sorry that you have to deal with my stupidity. I am sorry that you have to see me every day and have to deal with being around me. I know you don’t like me, and you know that I wish I could be better. I wish I could be.

Voice: I am sorry that you are left out. I am sorry that you are silent. I am sorry that you are used for the wrong words. I am sorry that you have to deal with being a part of me. I am sorry that you are being forced to be a part of me, I feel sympathy for you. That such a beautiful voice is being wasted on someone like me. I am so sorry.

 

If I could disappear, I would be doing everyone a favor. If I could make my lungs stop expanding, I would. If I could make my heart stop beating, I would. I wish I could make all your lives easier by just not being here. I’m sorry.

 

 

I’m sorry.

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2 comments

greensky 4/3/2014 - 8:10 am

This touched my heart so deeply. You expressed so many things I felt when I was growing up and you did so very eloquently. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry your parents don’t understand you. I’m sorry your teachers aren’t helping you. I’m sorry your friends aren’t there for you. I’m sorry your brothers need you to obey them . I’m sorry your body isn’t appreciated for the beautiful individual body it is. It is yours and yours alone. I’m sorry your mind is in so much pain. I’m sorry your voice isn’t being heard. It deserves to be. It’s a quiet, intelligent, wonderful voice. I’m sorry I can’t be there to give you a hug right now. I can listen though. We all can.

hooded_girl 5/21/2014 - 12:53 am

Thank you for reading and commenting. I wasn’t even sure if anyone was reading my posts. I always hurt and feel alone and there are so many unspoken words that can’t be said that just come out as “I’m sorry ______”.

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