I think I’ll try to give this life one more year…..I’ll be 60 next year on March 26th……that is, if God doesn’t take me on his own before then…………you see…..since Mom died about this time last year, I have no one who loves me and cares for me in the selfless way a mother or partner can…..and there is no one who wants or needs that from me. The lonely, solitary life that was chosen for me by illness is simply not any way for a “senior” citizen to live……I’m in that high risk category, by gender and age, for suicide. I cared for Mom as companion and helper/care giver as she died from dementia/Alzheimer’s. She was my reason for staying alive…but now…..
I don’t intend to end my life in a violent or unnatural way (although I have been drawn to the Golden Gate Bridge for many years). I will simply stop taking the pills that have been supporting my heart function for the last 5 years. I’ll let nature take its inevitable course. Suicide by natural causes. And there will be more money to leave to others. Money no longer spent on chemicals to keep me as an exile in this world. I do so want to have my soul go into the love and peace of God.
I have not aspired to great things or recognition for achievements or contributions….all I have wanted is to love and be loved….in that, I would feel safe and worthwhile. This is not on my horizon…..not in my destiny. In reflecting back on 59 years of life, I can see how devoid of safety and love my existence has been. Relationships came and went, but always on someone else’s terms. I’ve had no one in my life for over 20 years….and it’s time to accept what that does and does not mean for me.
So there is no anger toward or for anyone. There is only a resigned acceptance of a reality I am powerless to alter. I want to spend what time I have left trying to help those on this site who have so many more options in life than I do now. I want you all to stay alive as long as you can. And then, at the end of things, perhaps I can feel there was a purpose to my life, after all.
Some of you know how much music, especially that of the 60’s, speaks to me. I sang with a folk group that recorded this song back then….this is the only version of if I feel really expresses the emotion Bob Dylan wrote about when he penned this song:
I Shall Be Released – Mama Cass, Mary Travers and Joni Mitchell (Mama Cass’ TV show from the 60’s)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJvCPHhUIms
peace and prayers……………
8 comments
Yeah..one more year. Excellent. The teens get all the publicity, tears and print for suicide, but the greatest category for successful suicide is white males over 50. We’re NUMBER ONE!! Finally, I’m a somebody! Praise Jesus.
Great, we have a year of hearing your music and uplifting comments. Rock on.. because in one year..who knows…you’ll see your light come shining from the west down to the east …any day now…you shall be released.
Yeah I have decided to try another year or two also. I just seem to be getting better ad getting back to a more regular life after my car accident where I broke my neck in 2 places. I also have some good friends and a good family and things to look forward too. but on the flip side. suicide is something I am fascinated with and interested in. but I will go on as long as I can and pray and hope that things get better and buy some turn of events that things will get so much better I can live and be happy
thank for your post
There are real upward trends in my life right now, but they don’t include my family. Since Mom’s passing I just don’t seem to be part of their lives anymore and therefore don’t need to be acknowledged or included.
Randall….thanks for saying what I’ve been afraid to say about how the largest group of successful suicides is almost totally overlooked…..like my situation with my family….kind of ironic, isn’t it.
I’m thinking of changing my name to Lestat since my insomnia keeps me up all night….It’s 7am and I’m starting to feel a little sleepy….maybe I can sleep for 3 or 4 hours…..that’s about all I ever get nowadays.
If you change your username to lestat, i will have more difficulty finding and reading your posts. Please don’t. My “finder” isn’t at all what it used to be. (I’ve been anxious about the software upgrade Intuit is forcing on me.)
You are a very articulate man who seems to have done interesting things. Arizona and Cabo may bring positive changes. I think this anniversary of your mom’s passing has brought another wave of grief for you. It can’t help but make you philosophical and introspective.
No one loves us like our moms do (a good mom anyway). And yeah, people can be selfish and difficult. A good pet though, they can be life savers. 8^). A few months ago, I was in a parking lot and saw this elderly man shuffling his way to the car. Then I saw his dog trailing him, who also was struggling to be mobile. I just burst into tears. I guess you had to see it. Clearly, they were there for each other. It was both beautiful and sad. I shuttered to think about what would happen to one of them if something happened to the other.
There can be connection with community. I’m not saying it’s easy, especially for guys our age. The statistics aren’t good, and they are hard to refute.
I wish i could have gotten more sleep last night, but I found someone to help with some home repairs and they will start at 9.
A year feels like a stretch for me. I think you hit the nail on the head (feeling powerless). It’s paradoxical, but I find the idea of self-deliverance to be somewhat empowering. It’s like you’re falling in a dream, but you hit bottom and are able to stand up. It’s odd. Having it as an option gives me a certain amount of solidity. I can rebound off it for a while.
Randall, i was both surprised and not surprised about the stats since 2008. I’ve read articles why and was amused at some of their conjecture.
I saw an interview with Meryl Streep after she did the Margaret Thatcher film. I think she spent some time in costume in her part as the elderly Thatcher. Because Streep has these disguise techniques she sometimes uses in her regular life, she said it was odd, like older people are invisible.
That really struck me as there have been many times in recent years where I felt that way, a cashier saying “oh I didn’t see you there” when I had been there for several moments, etc.
@tbd
That’s funny. I thought that only happens to me…being Mr. Invisible. A cashier will actually try to look through me or around me even if I’m standing right in front of him/her.
Ya, the teens make a lot of noise, cut themselves, many attempts, get everyone excited, but the old geezers just quietly disappear into the abyss. “Hey, haven’t seen old joe lately. Wonder where he is?”
Perhaps if we went shopping in costume we would get noticed….but that could also be a bad thing….we can’t win……….