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Still not getting easier..

by The Girl Who Waited

Alright so, its been so long on here nobody would remember who i was but my name is Candice, and i posted here last year giving my story. Today im just gonna give a summary because i dont have time to type alot and I have nothing now. No one to go to, no one i can talk to. I’m going to make this as short as i can because i really need somebody to read it.
From the time i was in kindergarden i was bullied. It wasn’t until 4th grade it started getting bad. I started getting in trouble at school, i owed 1,000 hours of community service by the time i had finished 5th grade.
The beginning of 6th my life started going downhill fast. My father asked my mother for a divorce on christmas day. Week to week with mom and dad. I was severely unwanted at my dad’s house. By him, His entire family, and the bitches he would bring over.
Weeks i was with my dad i was watched by my sister because i was 11 and they thought i needed a babysitter. I was alot to handle and when she couldnt handle me the cops were called to deal with me. I was arrested about twice a week.
I started struggling very badly with cutting.
My dad got abusive and when he didnt the friends hed bring over were. My mom got full custody of me. I got expelled. The next school year started and over that summer i had lost my best friend annaleighah to suicide in 2010.
I was expelled again after the first simester of 7th grade. Me and my mom moved and I had started at a new school with all new bullies and an all new authority system to piss off.
Within the first week of school i had started getting letters in my locker
“Kill yourself or ill do it for you”
“Nobody likes you, your insane if you think you’ll ever be wanted”
“Do yourself a favor and top yourself off, yeah?”
My parents had put me in couseling and always had my hyped up on meds so i was never really there. I refused to let my couselor in and eventually started abusing my medications. I got in with the wrong crowd. I went to partys. Did drugs. Drank. I smoked weed with a 38 year old man that laced me and molested me after i passed out sick on the bathroom floor.
I continued to go to counselling because i got free pills. I could get high on my adderall and no one could tell me i couldnt have them because my name was on the bottle.
The next month they refilled my prescriptions and the night i got them i took them all. 8 different medications, 60 pills a bottle and it didnt work.
The end of 7th grade seemed to come by fast and i was tanking the year desperately trying to fit in. The last week of school came up and i did enough work to pass every class with at least D’s but they refused my work and heald me back. For thee weeks i did nothing but sleep in classes and my english teacher called me out “You better stop with your little ***** attitude you havent done shit since you’ve came back to this school. What are you even doing here?”
I punched him.
Got arrested again, expelled again. They sent me to a juvinile delinquent facility where you are in a class with a maximum of 15 other students. Thats where you go when you run out of schools to get kicked out of. I went there for a while and one day i just walked out. Never came back and dropped out in 7th grade.
Me and my mom moved again. Things started looking up for me.
I built a very very close relationship with my mom and made some good friends, or so i thought.
One named mykenzi.
I met a guy, lost my virginity at 13. Thats all he wanted. I was okay with that because thats really all i wanted to.
Then his cousin wanted it. So i gave it to him. They were 17 and 18.
But the guy i really wanted was 22. His name was seth and he graduated with my sister. We were friends but because of his job we could never see eachother.
He finally made it to see me, but i had to sneak out at 2 in the morning for it to happen and he wasnt who i thought he was. We cuddled because it was cold, and i fell asleep in his arms because he gave me a feeling of security that i hadnt felt in so long. I woke up when i started getting colder and realized he was ripping my clothes off. i begged him to stop and he wouldnt. I kicked and screamed and bit and punched and then he banged my head into the concreate tied my hands behind my back with my pants and raped me. Both vaginally and anally.
I didnt tell anyone until my friend asked why i looked like i was about to cry when i told her everything she called the cops without me knowing. My mom found out and we went through the needed rape procedures.
The hardest part of the hole thing was seeing the look on my moms face when she found out. When we had got home after my rape kit when the case began she had told me to stay outside. That she didnt want to see my face and i was to stay outside until she fell asleep.

3 weeks later i found out i was pregnant with twins.
Mykenzi had blocked my later that night on facebook for no reason.
A month later my friend Whitney hung herself at the end of 2012.

I miscarried my twins at 7 weeks and 5 days.
Not much happened after that. Until recently.
Back in april My friend Dylan hung himself aprin 25th of 2013.
“You didn’t answer, he called you and you ignored it. He fucking needed you and you sent him to voicemail.” and it was my fault.
It’s now April 11th, in 14 days it will mark a year dylan has been gone. That means a year of things i havent mentioned yet.
Things are alot harder now. So much has happened since Last april.

I slept around trying to cope with the rape and loosing my babies.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer in january of 2013.

One night in may got on this site i used called IMVU. I wanted to get on because people are cruel. and i was thinking i could get enough people to make fun of me so id have the strength to end my life.

Instead i met This wonderful man named Ronan and he saved my life. I ended up getting him together with a girl he has liked for 9 years and they’re engaged now.
To this day I talk to him, I’m in love with him. It’s almost been a year.
He loves me to and its a very complicated situation. He cant be without me, he wants me to himself. and i like it that way, i dont want anybody else.

We have so much in common. Mom’s with cancer. Cutting problems. Suicide losses. Suicidal tendencies. Scars. Broken hearts. We’ve been through Most of the same things.
Mykenzi came back and was my friend again.

December 12th the doctor told us my mom had less than 6 months to live. My mom was my best friend.

January 4th my mom died and so did a very large piece of me.

My family seems to like my best friend Mykenzi more than they like me and she hasnt talked to me in weeks because shes to busy with my sister in law.

Right now the only thing keeping me from not killing myself is Ronan. He’s what’s kept me alive since i met him and He needs me because his mom just died 2 days ago and his sister killed herself years ago, and His fiance just lost a baby if i were to leave now he wouldnt be okay.

But when he gets married and has a family and forgets me what happens then? i dont mind the situation. He lives in ireland and im in idaho. I just want to die and i cant because he needs me and nothing makes sense. I cant even finish this just someone help me

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4 comments

Randall 4/11/2014 - 4:00 am

That’s a ton of pain and suffering. I don’t know what I could possibly type into this text box that would be of help to you? Do I have advice for you? No.
I read your story. I hear your cries and understand the pain you must be going through. I’m sorry all this has happened to you. Maybe find a counselor, life coach, anyone that is geographically close enough for you to feel, see, hear and talk with. Screw this internet shit. It’s nice for venting, airing it out, but sometimes ya just need someone to really hear you face to face. Maybe call a Suicide hotline to talk to a real person? I’m sorry your feeling like shit.

Shephard 4/11/2014 - 6:37 am

I struggle to find the words to respond to your writing with some form of hope or…an unblemished meaning. Know that I read your story from start to finish and I’ve felt your pain. Truly, I have. You have my condolences for the loss of your mother – I lost my father at a young age as well and indeed a piece of me died along with him.

Life is complicated with the lessons it gives us, no matter how harsh or bittersweet they are, we learn our lesson in the end. It’s just…more often than not we come out with a lot more scars than we expected to leave with. But regardless, you’ve fought a hell of a fight so far, Miss. I wish you the best going onward with life and believe it or not – you’ll be in my thoughts, for what it’s worth…

All the best šŸ™‚

time2reset 4/11/2014 - 7:01 am

Wished i could you hold you in my arms so you could feel safe and protected. Even for a moment. Everyone needs a person to help shield them from the pain associated with life. Hope you find someone.

The Girl Who Waited 4/23/2014 - 3:57 am

Thankyou to all of you

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