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Thoughts of a 16 year old girl

by rql

I might kill myself. I think I am going to use the “exit” bag method with helium as my choice of gas. I can’t take the constant pain, guilt, worry, and sadness anymore. My parents are so disappointed in me. I am everything they never wanted. Unlike my younger sister, my grades are poor, I’m a drug addict, an overall failure. My dad constantly reminds me about how he refuses to pay for my college expenses since I am such a bad student. Constantly asking me, “Which college do you think you will be accepted into?”, in a rude tone. My dad always makes snarky comments about my future. The thoughts in my head are overwhelmed with hopelessness. I’m scared for what the future has to hold since I apparently am going to have such an unsuccessful one. My “best friend” has so much freedom. She earned it, thanks to her great grades and the multiple honors’ classes she takes. My dad constantly brings up how she manages to achieve such great grades in school and asks me why can’t I do the same. In addition, he mentions how she never would drink or do any other drugs. Little does he know. The reason I put “best friend” in quotation marks is because I don’t know how I can call a person my best friend if their intentions towards me are harmful. Instead of wanting the best for me, she treats everything as if it is a competition between the two of us. As well as putting me down and doing purposeful things that go against my benefit behind my back, she is extremely controlling, selfish, attention-seeking, and mean. Some best friend I got there… another contributing thought to my depression.
Did I mention how OVERWHELMED with guilt I am? Tears roll down my eyes as I remind myself of the harm I have brought to my mother and younger sister. My mother, gosh I love her so much. I wish I made her happy instead of all that I put her through and am currently putting her through. For my birthday which was a few weeks ago (my not so sweet sixteen), she surprised me with two pairs of gold earrings. One pair is studs, the other tiny hoops. My parents already bought me a two hundred dollar ticket to an upcoming concert (rave) I would be going to and that was supposed to be my birthday present so I was surprised that they even had anything for me. At first I didn’t have any idea how valuable the earring truly were until the next day. While I was putting them on I came across the price my mom forgot to remove from one of the pairs and I saw that she paid $350 for just the studs alone. I just burst into tears. I felt (and still feel) as if I do not deserve them. My mom is such a great person, she deserves a much better life than the one she is having. My younger sister is growing up, trying to fit in, and be the normal middle schooler that she should be. But she is far from normal, thanks to me. All the havoc going on in our household affects her tremendously. She is exposed to her older sister, a role model of what not to be when you grow older. She has caught me in the act of smoking weed in my bathroom and many times high which I know hurts her so much since she does not quite understand the meaning of it all. Basically, she sees me “destroying” myself as my parents may call it. I’m so sorry to her. And to my mom. I’m so sorry for not being the older sister she always needed to support and guide her. Instead I pushed her away, treated her horribly, and put her down so much without even realizing it. I honestly didn’t mean to and if I could go back in time I promise I would change all of my actions. I’m so sorry to my mother who only wanted/wants the best for me and loves me so dearly. She should be proud not hurt. All my fault. All my fault. All my fault. That repeats in my head over and over.
I do not know if anybody actually reads these posts or if anybody actually even cares. This is my first time using this forum, but it would mean a lot if I can get some feedback or if anybody can relate to me or something.

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6 comments

blindaudio 4/25/2014 - 12:52 am

Hey there,

As a 17 year old guy, I know how life can be. I know what it is like for parents to be disappointed in you. It’s tough. Just try to remember you’ll be out of there soon, and which you can start a new life for yourself.
Let’s see if we can get off those drugs, though. They aren’t helping.

I wrote a song called don’t cry. If you look at my posts, you should find the youtube link. Maybe it will make you feel better?

If you so choose, you can email me. My email address is:
brl.cents@gmail.com

DreamCatcher 4/25/2014 - 1:11 am

I’d say that you should just drop all the ugly baggage. Forget about your no good friend, forget about how your dad treats you. Just do the things you want to do. I know how you feel when it comes to the drugs, i had trouble of my own with them but you need to realize for yourself, sort of like an epiphany, that you are better than that. You are so much better than those drugs and cutting. I had to quit at least 4 times, I would quit once but then fall off the wagon and i’d have to quit again. But it takes time to get the drugs out of your system and to stay off of them. I came a long way from where i was to now. I rarely do drugs now, maybe once or twice every year. But thats because i controlled my cravings i would cut down every week and every month i would just keep cutting down the dosages until i didnt need it anymore, dont cut cold turkey because it will be worse for you. Just know that if you try your hardest in school, and not worry about what other people will say about you, you will succeed so far in life. Dont worry about what other people might say because it doesnt matter what they say, you will never see them again and if you do then dont even acknowledge them. it will be hard but the one thing you need to realize and remember is to TRY. thats the only thing that matters. Try to quit drugs, try to forget what other people say, try to do better in school, and most of all SHOW those kids and your family that one day you will be above them. that you wont need their money. Just try.

Shephard 4/25/2014 - 1:14 am

Hmm. Okay, I’ve read your lost and yes I do care. I’d like to comment on a couple of points:

1 – Ditch this “best friend” of your’s. It appears as if she is merely trying to use you as a benchmark of sort and instead of it mutually benefiting you both, she uses it to her own end. Seriously, you don’t need someone like that in your life.

2 – Think of your sister, in every aspect of your life, you need to realise that she will look up to you regardless of what you do. Our younger siblings will surely carry on as an extension of who we are and who we want to become. Don’t let her down by continually jackin’ yourself up with the evil green.

3 – Remember that you’re the star of this movie, but your supporting cast needs acknowledgement too. Invest enough time in yourself to take steps to minimise your drug intake and move towards reconciliation with your family. It will take time but if you use it wisely enough, you will see extraordinary changes in your life.

Well, that’s all I have sorry. I wish you all the best and look after yourself, okay? 🙂

Shephard 4/25/2014 - 1:15 am

“…I’ve read your post…”

Auto correct, why you do this to me?

DreamCatcher 4/25/2014 - 1:22 am

^^ what he said too.

Hatshepsut 4/25/2014 - 6:58 am

Bags were a method Derek Humphrey invented for the Hemlock Society around 30 years ago. Helium is kind of a twist on it, makes you sound like Donald Duck, if your’re not choking on it.

You’re always welcome here–a lot of people post stuff that looks like your story.

US News & World Report makes it look like everyone in America is heading off to Yale this fall. The media, and sometimes the family pressure, it’s all so much baloney. There are decent colleges that admit students with poor grades–if they hike their study habits enough not to get behind in college.

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