I realized deeply that I have no chance. Every aspect of my life is too damaged to keep pushing. Sometimes you just have to accept things, however painful it might be to accept that life has to end. I spoke to an old friend on the phone last week, someone I haven’t spoken to for over a year. She was my surrogate mother when I was 17, when I lived away from home. She will be 70 this year. She said she will call me again. She told me she loved me when we said goodbye. I know that I don’t have to speak to her again. I have secretly said my goodbye.
I was imagining how peaceful it would be to be ‘underneath the moonlight’ on a beach.. and I thought of this little tune and sang along. I wish things can be beautiful, but I know I have no chance.