Going nowhere

I can’t get out of my own head.

All the things I used to care about I don’t anymore. I used to care about working with youth and becoming a teacher and Changing someone’s life. Now I’ve dropped out of teaching school and my extra curricular activity working with youth.

I feel very unimportant in all aspects of my life. My hours at work got cut, now that other people have been hired I’m not important at work anymore. I stopped going to youth as my importance there dropped off. I used to do lectures there and now I’m not asked to do that anymore. I don’t know why. But my value is hard to see when the people around me are rejecting me.

I’m worried about driving away my friends. They know I can’t get out of my head and tell me they need space. They don’t understand. I regret letting them into my life at all, it was easier wearing my mask and being fake than to be real.

I go to dark places in my mind, and I try to dig myself out, knowing that not all my darkness is my own and Satan is filling my head with lies. Yet…it’s hard. It’s hard living in my own head, where I’m not liked and I have to fool myself into being happy.

“I can’t control what I think so how can I control what I say”

It’s frustrating how my actions are impacted by how I think.

“are you ready to make this one breath your last, is your chest so heavy you’re ready to leave, or are you just hoping that someone will grieve”

alot of me wants to die so that I can pretend that people will care when I’m gone.

“Time stood still, the way it did before. It’s like I’m sleepwalking”

what I do feels unimportant and monotonous. Nothing I do really matters.

“can you tell from the look in our eyes, were going nowhere”

I feel like I’m going nowhere. I wonder if everyone else can see it too.

This is why I want to die.