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I need advice

by a26

Married 20 yrs, separated 6 wks. Have 3 kids.   He asked for divorce, incompatible marriage. I’ve been coping w depression, loneliness, pining, I can’t cope anymore. I’m 48 yrs old, I want to take my life cos each day is becoming too difficult to tolerate alone. I’ve no family, no friends in this b looming end if the earth. No self esteem, no interest in anything, walk around like a zombie, don’t think of anything but his face and all that he did for me, his presence that I relied on day n nite. There’s nobody accompanying me anywhere now.   What can I do to end pain swiftly???


I don’t think I’ve the guts to commit suicide, I’ve never tried before but there’s always a first time. How do I do it, drowning?


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WendulMonroe 5/13/2014 - 4:22 am

Don’t even try give up. There are always people, that loves you and don’t forget your amazing children. They loves you ’cause who you are 🙂 You are strong, believe it 🙂

soulsister 5/13/2014 - 5:25 am

I’ve known lots of people who have gotten divorced and its a devastating time for everyone involved in that family.
The only way they told me they got over it was with supportive family and friends and being strong for the kids.
I’ve seen some wrecks my cousin was absolutely heartbroken after her marriage ended had to stay with her on suicide watch she was fucken terrible I tell you but 2years on now she’s still here found her a nice partner and even has dinners now with the ex and the person he left her, they have kids together. Point is you’d never believe she could have come so far shit I remember one day she was taking out her rubbish and she just stopped in the middle of the drive way and fainted couldn’t breathe because that’s what her partner used to do take the rubbish out. Had to call the ambo and everything like she was just refusing to breathe it was so sad but i was so mad screaming at the butch to breathe. Dam sorry if I’m ranting about shit but I guess my point is i believe there is life and hope for everyone after a marriage ends. You just got to remember to take one day at a time and I surround yourself with others you love like your children. i don’t know how old your kids are or if your close to them but keep them close talk to them, live for them.
Sorry again but yeah just wanted to say something let you know I feel you. You will get through this!

a26 5/13/2014 - 5:29 am

Thank u, people say I’ll get over it but I can’t imagine it. I still have visions of my husband everywhere I go, in everything I do. My kids r good kids, 14, 12, and 9. I just miss my soul mate so much.

LeonVieira 5/13/2014 - 5:34 am

It really gets better. My parents and many other in my family do divorce. They eventualy find other people, or live alone, but I asure you this shock will leave.

soulsister 5/13/2014 - 5:42 am

Yeah, we’ll only time can heal all wounds I guess it’s still quite sudden right now to be thinking of the future but one day at a time if you got your kids keep them in routine and keep up with the schooling and all that.
You do need to seek wise counsel though or sit with someone and have a good cry let it all out if you got no one maybe try a counseller because you absolutely must go on for your children’s sake like you say there good kids and they need there mummy and they need there mummy to be happy too!

a26 5/13/2014 - 5:53 am

Thank you,for all yr comments that make sense. Yet nothing makes sense now. Has Anyone been on a strong antidepressant that works wonders? How do I forget him? How can I not toss and turn in my sleep, or wake up, with visions of his smiling face? HOW DO I FORGET AND GET ON WITH THE FUTURE? It just seems I cannot.

LeonVieira 5/13/2014 - 6:03 am

I don’t know if it works right now, but try to occupy your mind. Movies, painting, exercising anything you like to do that you’ll make you forget it even for few seconds.

soulsister 5/13/2014 - 6:43 am

How do you forget them? My cousin used to Ask this question to and be exactly like you but That’s something I don’t think anyone can answer.
She used to want something to help her forget to I smoke weed so well, we used to get stoned she’d never tried it before but she loved it! Forgot for a little bit and had a good feed afterwards but then still reality will always set in and I suppose no drug is the answer really its that stupid good old TIME again. Just got to give yourself time and to grieve because really it is like a death in the way of emotions.
Or else I hate this one but another one I’ve heard a lot that you should do to help you try forget them is go out and have raging sex with someone else a total stranger whatever. Don’t know how that helps but shit it works for some.

Randall 5/13/2014 - 6:55 am

From past experience it takes about a year for those emotions to just begin subsiding. You’re only 6 weeks into the separation. You’ve got a long way to go, but if you pay close attention to the work you’re about to do you will learn so much about yourself. Don’t take anti-depressants or drug or alcohol or anything that will dull your senses. Step right into the loss and begin the process with both eyes wide open. Let the healing and learning begin. You will come out the other side so much stronger…it feels and hurts like hell now, but in a year you’ll be so great.

ThousandCuts 5/13/2014 - 8:19 am

Mostly teenagers on this website so you aren’t gonna get a lot of useful advice. Also, kind of against the site rules to specifically discuss ways to die.

The end of a relationship, especially when it dissolves an entire family, is one of the most crushing things a human being can face, short only of losing someone to death. So it’s alright to be feeling this bad. You’re supposed to be grieving what happened. But grief is followed by other stages of healing. Don’t kill yourself right now. Every emotional wound just needs time. Sometimes even a long time.

The fact that you are ready to die after losing someone who no longer wants to be with you hints at the possibility that you were leaning on this relationship in an unhealthy way all along. You should be able to feel like a whole person on your own two feet. Not saying that losing everything you knew in life is not supposed to hurt, but it isn’t something you have to die over. The fact that you didn’t keep up any friendships or interests of your own and now feel like a zombie with no purpose says that maybe you weren’t cultivating your own happiness all along, you were just finding happiness through the fact that you had someone else willing to float through life with you.

You can rediscover yourself, make new friends, and find things to be passionate about if you give it time.

If you have the means to do so, you may benefit from trying to talk to a grief counselor. Or even better than 1 on 1 with a professional who isn’t allowed to actually form a friendship with you, see if you can find any groups that meet in regards to recently divorced/coping with grief, etc. Perhaps you could make friends there.

Lostasfuck 5/13/2014 - 9:41 am

Do not. I repeat do not drown yourself. I couldnt think of a worse way to go than that. Very painful and scary. He isnt worth it.

a26 5/14/2014 - 12:05 am

Everyday seems so dark and hopeless, the pain is gnawing into me like a huge big rat, it’s physical pain of the soul. I mean, I can’t even not think of him for a second no matter what I do… even when I’m at work. I wonder if I’ll ever recover.

bzbzbz 5/14/2014 - 8:17 am

Hi a26,
I’m probably about your age, and I’m divorced as well, for almost 9 years now. I actually handled it poorly — signed over the house and left everything, lived in my car for three months during a northern US winter, because I was too ashamed and sad to move in with someone and had no time to find a place. My ex didn’t want the dog, and I couldn’t find a home for an 9 year old Malamute that had once attacked a kid, so I had to put her down (the dog I mean =) I had to hide my feelings and overwhelming sadness from my coworkers everyday, and basically lived a lie for a year, pretending to be happy.

But it does get better, if only because memories loose their power over time, whether we like it or not.

Can I say I’m doing well now? No, not really, but it has nothing to do with my divorce. It took awhile, but I actually was happy for several years again, until recently (another story altogether).

I can’t say much more, and I don’t have a right to say much of anything to anyone, but it is very likely that within months or a year maybe, you will slowly start to feel better. I’m quite sure of it, but you have to decide for yourself if you want to try to wait for your heart to heal a little bit.

I wish you luck.

a26 5/14/2014 - 7:06 pm

Thank u so much. I like what u say abt memories loosing their power over time, that gives me hope, and I wish it happens to me.

Sorry to hear what U’ve been thru and I hope ur doing better.

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