More or less?

I have had more and less, yet I have always been a miserable person. My brain is not right. I am not capable of sustaining relationships with sabotage or to truly “connect”. There are a few things I would postpone my death for but once I got to experience them I would not consider it worth living for. I date someone who has no respect for me, I am an option to them and worth keeping around albeit at arms length. I am embarrassed I allow this and often times pursue it. If it weren’t for him though I would not have any social life or momentary escape. Sometimes I am around him and I feel normal like I belong somewhere or am a part of something other than my isolation. Other times I get all high and mighty and tell him to stuff it because I don’t need his bs and I deserve better. Now if only I believed that. Then I end up “turning on the charm” to remind him why he keeps me around. I sound pathetic. I put on a good show, nobody would guess what really goes on inside. People that don’t know me seem to want to be around me, it’s once my messed up mind starts playing tricks on me that the sabotage begins. It seems I only appreciate that which I have to struggle for. Ever heard something about not wanting to be a member of any club that would actually want you?