Sidenote: This will be cross posted on Reddit.
Like many of you, life has slowed from a run to a crawl. I’m 18 years old. For many reasons ranging from my intelligence(or lack thereof), my family and my looks, I’m warming to the possibility of killing myself sometime in the near future. The main reason I suppresses my suicidal tendencies is because of, you guessed it, my parents. They’ve worked inconceivably hard to allow us to live as comfortably as we do, or as they do. I’m not going to lie to you all, I’d be considered upper-middle class in the American Northeast, with tuition fully payed at a 4-year institution with a major in Engineering. Though my childhood has seen some struggles, by all standards, I’m living a great life. But I had a rather odd, closeted(not literally) and reclusive childhood – I’d grown into some weird addictions and that has culminated in me valuing physical beauty more than almost anything, amongst some other less superficial things. I know how sick of a human being I am – to be handed wealth and opportunities, yet be unsatisfied. Through my childhood I’ve planted this seed in my personality, and now I’m living in the shadow it has cast upon me. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and suddenly not give a shit about something so childish and primitive as looks, but I can’t. Make no mistake, I’m not some sassy Mean Girl wishing my clavicles would pop out more, but I’m not suffering from any physical defects. I’m just convinced that by societal standards, I’m considered ugly (mostly due to my skin color), and the idea of living with the demon my childhood had bred me to despise is repulsing.
Anyhow, now that I’ve given all of you enough reason to reject me from a community that I, admittedly, should not be a part of, I present you with my topic of today. Though I deem my will/courage/temperance unfit to live my life, I’m not totally sold on the idea of life as a whole amounting to nothing.. Whomever works behind the grand curtain has blessed some with fortune(beauty, perhaps intelligence to offset a lack of beauty, wealth, mental/physical fortitude), and though I must admit I’m blessed in more ways than not, my value judgments have put much more weight on my curses. I know life can be enjoyed if the stars align, which is why I’m sour to the idea of us only being granted one try at this. Obviously there is literally zero way to verify their credibility, what do you all think of reincarnation testimonies? Stories of people recalling a life once lived, an alternate existence etc. I’d most certainly prefer that than being reduced to a mere nothingness for all of eternity, whether or not that will be apparent to me. I know it’s somewhat cynical to treat suicide as a spin of the Cosmic Wheel of Fortune, but I’d be more than willing to try my luck if I knew I(or whatever constitutes me across different bodies) were somehow recyclable. What do you all think? Do you believe we get a second chance? Do you even want a second chance?
6 comments
I know the feeling of feeling like a slave to our mind’s habits. They can choose anything (in your case it was physical beauty) and all you can do is come down to knees and curse yourself. I also know the frustration you have when you stand upon and use the empire built by your parents and feeling that you’re not appreciating it fully. Guilt, guilt and guilt. I passed through it. It was a disgusting hell. But be patient. it will get saturated, become hard and finally end, with time. (in my case it took 2 years)
Thank you for this =)
Just curious, what were your circumstances like and how did you overcome them?
That’s funny. I never felt guilty that my tuition was paid for and that my parents always had my back. The most frustrating thing to me was that I had such an advantage, and it was destroyed by other problems.
As for second chances… not on this planet, with these people. I’ll take my eternal paradise now, thanks.
Suicide is going to be a spin of the Cosmic Wheel whether you reincarnate or not. To me, you’re going to die one day anyway, so making a decision about what you think you might get by dying doesn’t make sense. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Base your decision on life not death – the things that you know, not the things that you don’t.
I assume you know about NDEs. They are doing a study called AWARE that is trying to determine if OBEs are real or just delusions. Take that as you will.
@DFF: Just wanted to say, thanks for posting that line, i relate to the “i had everything in my hands, and it all went to hell” scenario. It’s so frustrating that it drives you nuts (and depressive) and it’s really difficult for people to understand it. At least i know it has been in my case, no one gets it and i get the usual “snap out of it” attitude.
Thanks for the response – I didn’t think I’d receive any.
The fact that my parents pay my tuition and provide for other services in itself isn’t what guilts me – it’s the fact that my personality places less value on that compares to more superficial things. I’m given huge opportunities that I take(I work hard and do well in school and maintain a vegetarian lifestyle), but am willing to waste in the grand scheme of things.
Curious, is there a blanket judgement you’ve made on the human race that haunts you? I’d like to know what it is.
By a spin of the cosmic wheel, I meant us being given another chance – just as the game show in which a misfortunate spin can be negated by a better one (hopefully with the car on it). Without forces of reincarnation, whatever life we are given determines our ultimate fortune – there is only one spin. Some get the car, some go bankrupt. I like to think I’m somewhere in between. Not trying to be argumentative, just defending my analogy.
I understand death is inevitable, but there is a difference between a 18 and 80-year long life – possibly much pain and grief in between. You’re completely right as I can’t possibly get an answer to my question in this existence, but whether or not I should grief for decades before questioning fate is my reason for posting this.
I understood what you meant. I was countering by saying that death itself is a gamble. Nothing you just said is in opposition with what I was saying.
Blanket judgement on the human race? Hmm. It was a knee-jerk reaction when I said “with these people”, but I’d stand by it.
All humans are ignorant. It is to varying degrees, but ultimately we understand very little, and think we know more than we actually do. The effects of ignorance are many, and you’ve certainly been affected by some of it by now.
Oh, apathy is a big problem in general, too. Knowledge without compassion is perhaps even more dangerous, but apathy isn’t as global as ignorance.
Basically, humans are just too flawed. As long as there is ignorance and apathy, people will continue to commit suicide in the silent darkness of their closet. I just don’t want to be a participant in such a society; I’d rather have something better or perhaps nothing at all.