Rape Culture

so here is a piece of my story that I’ve only told 2 people about….

As you can imagine I’m terribly nervous about doing this.

When I was 5 years old, my Great Uncle and Great Aunt came down to visit..

I never really liked my Uncle Jerry but this just gave me more of a reason to not like him. I remember that day like it was yesterday (when it happened 12 years ago) I was watching 101 Dalmatians the cartoon with him. We were sitting on the bed and I was wearing sweatpants and a green turtleneck. It was right around Christmas that year. I went over and sat in his lap as he hugged me.

I didn’t know any better. He was my uncle. Family. I was always sitting like that with my family.

The next thing I knew his hand was down my sweatpants. I’m not going into detail (obviously) and he never fully raped me since there was no penetration, but he molested me. I was just 5 years old.

I found out about a year ago that he is a registered child sex offender. My mom never told me not to be alone in a room with him like she told my sister…. thanks mom…

That’s when I started to self harm, trying to find something to do for the nightmares and the memories..

Then freshman year of high school, I had a guy named Timmy who had been stalking me for months… everywhere I went I saw him. The grocery store, the mall, the town center, everywhere. One time while I was waiting for my sister to pick me up from school, I saw him. He was at my school. I was wearing long black skinny jeans, a batman high-necked t-shirt, and a jacket.

He came over and sat next to me, just staring at me. I moved to another planter, and he followed me. Only this time when he sat down next to me he forced me down on my back, I hit my head, and he had me pinned. I couldn’t move and I didn’t know what to do. He kissed me repeatedly then started kissing my neck. He tried to rape me that day… The only reason he didn’t was because someone was walking by and I screamed.

He was startled and sat up, loosening his grip. I broke free and ran to the parking lot where I saw my sister. It brought up memories of my uncle and I was silent for a week. barely said a word to anyone.

I attempted suicide again.

Just a couple of months ago, the one and only guy that I’ve ever dated, repeated what my uncle had done.

it was our 5th date, and we went to a park. we walked around behind the brick wall. We started making out (which I was fine with. He was my boyfriend) but then he went further.

I froze. I didn’t know what to do. I was wearing black skinny jeans, boots, a long sleeved shirt under an over-sized sweater, and a black beanie.

I sat there shaking as memories of my uncle and the stalker came flooding into my head. He wanted to go even further, but I pushed him off and told him my mom was turning into the parking lot. I redid my belt and held in my tears as I ran to the car.

The next day I stayed home from school. I couldn’t even be around him. I broke it off that very day and told him to leave me alone. He still tries t talk to me. I see him every day at school and whenever I do it just brings back the memories from all 3 times…

Was I asking for it? Was I dressing provocatively? Did I have it coming? Was I acting like I wanted it?

Because that’s what Rape Culture is telling me.

I’m sorry but was my sweatpants and turtle neck too revealing? or how about my over-sized sweater + long sleeved shit + skinny jeans? My skinny jeans, high necked t-shirt, and jacket?

I didn’t think so. I really don’t know how to end this. I guess just that it’s time to stop blaming the victim and start blaming the attacker.

I decided to post this because the one person I told, I thought I could trust with anything, told everyone at my old school (why I’m at the school I’m currently) guys called me weak, pathetic, pulled up my shirt in the hallway, follow me into the bathroom and ask if I wanted a quicky. everyone knew and I couldn’t stop them.