I’ve been extremely tired all day. All i’ve wanted to do is sleep. Sleep and not wake up. Just dream the night away. If it happens to be a nightmare…it’s okay because i’ve master lucid dreams. But it’s 1:25AM and I’m wide awake. The part before drifting away to the dream state is the hardest for me. It’s when all these thoughts come to my mind. All these people that have hurt me. All the words I’ve been told. All this negativity I seem to reminisce about. I want it all to go away! I hate hurting because of all the BS i’ve caused myself. I hate blaming myself for all these mixed emotions. But I can’t get myself to be angry at people. What I want is for them to feel this hurt that I feel. It’s unfair. Life is unfair. I want more. I want to be able to live without this weight. I want to disappear in the midst of the darkness. Just let the darkness take over. But I can’t because of my daughter. The thoughts of dying seem to get worst every day. My mind likes to come up with all these stories and show me how easy it is to just fall asleep once and for all. I’m fighting it. I am constantly fighting it. I am afraid that it will take over me and I will just EXPLODE and say what I truly want to say to people, or worst, just end my life. Once people see the true colors, I will no longer be that sweet girl everyone thinks I am. Or that strong woman I keep hearing about. The smile in face will be permanently gone. I will be even more alone than ever. It will be disappointing to them. It means I have given up. Yes, we all have secrets. But for the most part, the person I chose to be when i’m around people…is who I am. It’s when I’m alone that I become this suicidal person. This dark person that hates everything and everyone. Perhaps it’s because I actually have to time to think about the damage certain people have done. See, during daylight I try to keep myself pre-occupied…or atleast make it seem that way in front of others. So I avoid certain thoughts. But it’s when the sun slowly starts setting and the moonlight takes over, that I feel extremely terrified of thoughts.
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1 comment
I like your username.
You shouldn’t take the things that people say personally. When people are unkind to you, it means they feel insecure and want to bring you down to give themselves an ego boost. Or perhaps they’re jealous of your talents, looks, etc. Either way, it reflects on them, not you. Just let it all go. They’re the morons for being mean to you. It doesn’t indicate that you’re faulty in any way. Anybody who goes out of their way to attack others is the one with problems, not you.