Trapped.

This is my depression story. The following is a shortened version of my journals. I was 13 years old when I wrote them.

Journal 2013
On march 2, 2013 I decided to “get better” I don’t know hep else to put it xD
on March 3rd, 2013 I told my mum about the (kinda) cutting but not the suicidal thoughts
4th of March: “I am not happy nor sad right now, I feel almost detached from everything” “I am happy for Nicole (she was my best friend in 7-8th grade) but it feels like everyone is moving on while I’m left behind…I feel invisible, a ghost…it would be so much easier to believe in god(s) or to not believe in a greater being. People who believe have someone who they believe listens and cares. I don’t have that…”
March 5, 2013: “I still feel empty. Sometimes I get the feeling of detachment. Everything fades, noise is slightly muffled and people become a meaningless background. The sunlight feels warmer and it seems to become magical. These moments are nice but the past two days it has been like this all the time…”
March 7, 2013 1:41am: “I wonder if I have insomnia…A few weeks ago I was getting between three and five hours of sleep on school nights…” “I thought about suicide again…I am dying inside and no one notices…”
March 8, 2013 “I got accepted at both schools but we can’t afford it. I hate being poor…I don’t know what to do. They turned off wifi again. No one to talk me out of anything now. I’m falling, I’m breaking, I’m dying inside and I can’t stop it. I’m helpless. I’ve tried so long. I’ve told myself that things will get better for five years now. Five! I want this to end. I shouldn’t have to go through this but life is unfair. I know that some people have been through a lot worse but I haven’t had to. To me this is hard….Sometimes I feel invisible. Sometimes I wonder ‘does anyone understand me at all?’ Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I want to live. Right now I just want this to end. I want to be happy for once…Maybe I will hold on for a few more days or weeks. I am breaking, I am not invincible. I am human too. I have feeling. I am capable of love. I know what hurt, anger and fear feels like. I am not perfect even though I strive to be. I am like you” “I am breaking, I am falling, I am dying inside, there’s no one to save me, I will break, I will hit the ground. I will die.” I wrote an “if I die” note I wrote this for my mum: “Mom: I am so sorry. I know that we argued but I always loved you. I know that you cares about me and I know that I will be missed but please try to move on. Remember that poem? ‘Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there I do not die…’ I know that you wanted me to read it at your funeral but now I ask; please read it at mine. I will always love you…” March 9, 2013 2:05am: I was thinking about suicide again and I decided not to die that night because I wanted to look good even after I died xD 😹 sorry that was funny though. Later on “it has been at least 14 hours since I late ate. I am not hungry.” “16 hours now. I’m not very hungry. I just want an escape from all of this.” Then I wondered about what happens after you die “I can’t stand it here. I want out. I need an escape. Maybe I will starve myself or maybe I will die of dehydration. Almost 19 hours now it’s 5:48pm. It is 8:21pm and I still haven’t eaten.” At 9pm “I just want to get drunk so I can escape for a while.” At 11:50pm “I have now gone at least 24 hours without eating or drinking anything. I don’t feel hungry but I know that I am…” Then I are some crackers and drank a little water then went 15-16 more hours without food or drink. The next day(March 11th) I ran track on >3hrs 20min of sleep (never mind the lack of nutrition)
March 11: “Imagine falling. People let you go, let you fall. Others see you but cannot help. My online friends are the others, my friends are the people and my parents are almost unaware everyone else turns a blind eye.” 🔴(It deleted a section while I was typing so this is the shortened version)Don’t want to type that all again so …
March 15th I was barely eating (I weighed just under 82lbs…)
17th:
“What’s wrong with me?” Nicole was noticeably avoiding me. “I want to die. I can’t deal with my shitty life much longer.” “I understand why people commit suicide” (self-harm etc) “I want friends. I want to be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve friends. I don’t deserve a good life…Maybe everyone would be better off if I were dead…” “I feel beyond help. I don’t know if I can hold on much longer” on the 18th I talked to my mum. 🔴
March 20th: “..tired of rejection. Tired of not being good enough. Tired of being lonely. Tired of depression. Tired of staying strong. Tired of fake smiles. Tired of being poor. Tired of not being understood. Tired of being trapped here…ya I’m tired.” March 25: “I am losing everyone. No one seems to actually care about me.”
March 26: I ended my friendship with Nicole. I pushed everyone away. I wanted her to be happy and make friends in high school. I thought that she had a better chance if she did not associate herself with me. March 30+31 I was in Atlanta (eighth grade trip).
April 4th: felt guilty because I never appreciated my grandparents while they were alive and I didn’t get to say goodbye. April 7th I started feeling responsible for everything. I was willing to give anything to make the world a better place.
April 8th: “I was surrounded by people but I was alone.”
April 12, 2013
“Today the sky is a pale blue. Dark grey storm clouds hover above me. They reflect my mood. A glimmer of sun peaks through the clouds, hope. Hope for a better day and a fresh start. A new canvas lies before me but I can’t see it.”
End of journal I
My notes in the back of my journal: “I feel trapped” “unpopular” “I live in the middle of nowhere!” “People at school don’t understand me! I don’t belong there” “too stubborn” “lonely” “what’s wrong with me? Why don’t you like me?” “Do you understand now?” “Slightly depressed -> understatement of the year” “people keep saying that eventually I’ll find the right person. I think my ‘right person’ got run over by a bus or something”

Journal Entry 18.09.2013
I am better off dead
No
no
no
“Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter?…”

Why did I tell everyone? Why can I not forget? I thought it was over?

“…There’s no one waiting…”

I can’t live like this. I’m so fragile, trying to rebuild but I’m scared of getting hurt.

I don’t want to fall and so I build these walls around myself. Many layers, so complex but in reality they are paper thin. I am no longer strong, I am barely hanging on. I guess I shouldn’t have lingered on the edge.

Are walls made for keeping people out? Or are they to keep us in?
These walls have become my prison.
I scream but no one can hear me.
In this world of loneliness I stand alone. I will survive this storm.

If you are reading this please know that I sincerely hope I have helped someone. Anyone. No one should have to feel the way we feel. No one deserves this. It does get better, I promise. You will make it. I have been there. I have come so close to taking my life. You read my suicide note.