why can’t I stop playing this in-between. I’m not getting any better, I CAN’T get any better until certain things happen that just aren’t happening, that are out of my reach. And I can’t end it either. Why the fuck can’t I just do one or the other?
NO it’s not a matter of positive thinking. NO it’s not like I don’t know what I need. I know what I need and I can’t fucking GET it. That’s the problem. Why don’t I just MAKE the attempt so that they HAVE to listen?
No, I’m not making it up. No, doing fucking yoga isn’t going to help. No, I’m not having an identity crisis. No, I’m not a goddamned idiot. I am fully aware of the poison in my brain. I am trying to fight it and *you are not fucking helping me*. Don’t pity me. Don’t belittle me. Don’t you DARE fucking patronize me. I have been fighting this for years. You can go and suck on my blood stained knife.