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why can’t i just…

by Jay


why can’t I stop playing this in-between. I’m not getting any better, I CAN’T get any better until certain things happen that just aren’t happening, that are out of my reach. And I can’t end it either. Why the fuck can’t I just do one or the other?

NO it’s not a matter of positive thinking. NO it’s not like I don’t know what I need. I know what I need and I can’t fucking GET it. That’s the problem. Why don’t I just MAKE the attempt so that they HAVE to listen?

No, I’m not making it up. No, doing fucking yoga isn’t going to help. No, I’m not having an identity crisis. No, I’m not a goddamned idiot. I am fully aware of the poison in my brain. I am trying to fight it and *you are not fucking helping me*. Don’t pity me. Don’t belittle me. Don’t you DARE fucking patronize me. I have been fighting this for years. You can go and suck on my blood stained knife.


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ashley68@q.com 5/1/2014 - 11:54 pm

Wow, something must have really pissed you off Jay, I haven’t seen you this angry. Do you want to talk about it? I really don’t know what to say because I’m not sure what “certain things” you’re talking about. I do hope you find a way to get unstuck.

Shephard 5/2/2014 - 12:28 am

I read this with a Zack de la Rocha voice. Outstanding.

At least you got that out of your system, my booty rage is still festering and soon enough it’s going to be Chernobyl all over again. Release that which ails you most, friend. Return afterwards with a somewhat clearer head.

Safe travels to you.

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